A Perfect Saturday

It's Saturday night and I am soaking my feet in lavender Epsom salt/hot water, and treating my aching back to a heat pack.  Even in shorts and a tank, I'm sweating! At least it gives some relief though! We had a very busy day, but it was so much fun.  I love it most when we are all together doing things, just me and my family.

The morning started out as usual.  The three year old woke up first, toddled into our room.  I scooped him up the best I could and let him lay next to me for a few minutes.  then in came the five year old... daddy claimed him, and for a couple sweet moments we were all snuggled in bed.  then "I'm hungry," came from the mouths of the sweet little boys who don't know about Saturdays or sleeping in.  It wasn't even seven yet, but I rolled myself out of bed and offered to make breakfast since Martin was the more tired out of the two of us.

We like to have hot breakfast on the weekends when we are all together, and since tomorrow is Father's Day, and I won't have the sanity to make an awesome breakfast before church in the morning, I decided to make "Father's Day Breakfast" today.  It was simple, but wonderfully delicious... crepes and fresh fruit hit with a dusting of powdered sugar and a squirt of lime juice!  Mmm! Who knew I could make crepes? Elijah cut the tops off of the strawberries with a butter knife and Owen helped me mix up the batter.  There were lots of yummie noises going on at the breakfast table.  Then I surprised them and piled on a swirl of whipped topping... I love seeing their amazement at the little things.  "wow, dad... look what mommy put on mine!"

After crepes and fruit we loaded into the car for an appointment (Martin's eyes), Farmer's Market, and errands.   The boys and I waited in the car at the while Martin went in for his appointment; we sang and drew pictures for forty minutes!  Amazing right?  Oh yeah and I had M&Ms, which helped.  At the market we ate a roll, bought four strawberry plants (because Owen grabbed an extra one, and I decided four was better than three anyway), and then the pregnant woman needed another snack on the way out, so we left with cookies too.

Planting the strawberries was fun.  I let the boys dig... of course a favorite hobby of theirs!  They took turns assisting me, and we got all four plants into the planter pot on the back porch.  Its the perfect height for little fingers to reach when picking time is here!

Then we had "make your own snack plate" lunch. They love this because it lets them feel like they are in charge.  I put bowls and plates of things on the table like carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, cheese, crackers, bread, grapes, strawberries, pineapple, and other snacks.  They load up on whatever they want!  Owen made a design with his carrots that he called an "anzigon" or something close to that, which I think he meant hexagon, but it was cute.

Daddy finally mowed the lawn... but I wouldn't let them "help." It scares me too much to have them in the yard when he is mowing because he can't hear them, and he's very focused on getting it just right.   However, they were very pleased to help with the painting job!  While I took a sit down break they painted boards in the driveway which Martin is turning into shelves for the baby room.  When I went to check on them the had paint all over them! faces. neck. arms, hands. Thank goodness it wasn't in their hair!  then they spent the afternoon tackling each other in the front lawn. their giggles were definitely the best part!

Owen skipped his nap due to all the fun, and ended up looking very droopy eyed riding in the cart at Joann's Fabric.  I'm positive he would have fallen asleep sitting up that way if Martin hadn't decided to carry him the rest of they way. I bought some fabric that I"m going to make some very clever book holders out of (blog on this to come).  I didn't end up getting the iron-on letters I wanted because they were priced incorrectly. I wanted to spell out "the littlest brother" on a onesie for William and if the marked .25 per letter would have been correct, I could have done it, but it turns out they claimed the letters were $1.79 each! Ridiculous! Must find another way!

After dinner Owen came out of his room in his swimming shorts and announced that he was going to run in the sprinkler. (Martin had turned it on for watering).  then Elijah jumped on the idea, "Wait for me, I'm getting my stuff on too!" they still had an hour before bedtime, so I went a head and let them! Why not, right?  They needed a bath any way to get all that paint off, how much worse could a little more dirt do? They had a ton of fun! Did I mention our sprinklers are rigged up to the outsides of the fence?  Yeah. It's like a sprinkler system above ground. 

It's just the beginning of many fun summer days!  I wish every day was a Saturday.  We all really miss "daddy" during the weekdays.  He is the most wonderful dad I could ask for, for these boys of mine. I love seeing him in them... how caring they are, and thoughtful, just like their daddy.  I can't wait to give him his Father's Day gift tomorrow! I'm also making a true "Dad" kind of lunch for him and my dad- Burgers of course!

Love on all of those wonderful dads tomorrow! Let them know how special they are!

An Easter sort of day

Today was a good day. The weather co-operated for the big Easter egg hunt (...thank you God)! This was the first year that Owen actually participated in the egg hunting. Though he didn't seem to care that he only got one egg. There were hundreds of kids and I think he just loved being a part of the excitement in the air. For most of the time he looked around stunned, and the rest of the time he was trying to run of out of arms reach of mommy. Last year he wasn't walking yet, though he still enjoyed some treats, and the year before that he was only a couple months old. So, yay for Owen's first Egg hunt!

It finally felt like spring was going to "stick" this morning when we went outside. I let the boys run around the yard with their Easter baskets before we left for three reasons. First I wanted pictures of them before anyone grumped out, second they had plenty of energy, and thirdly, we had extra time to kill due to us all being so excited for this wonderful day.

They chased each other in the grass, and practiced their Caribou calls (I'm sure all of our neighbors loved that)! This came about from one of their favorite movies "The Polar Express." There's a part on the movie where thousands of Caribou are blocking the train tracks and the conductor pulls the engineer's beard making him screech and scare the Caribou. This is their favorite scene. They love imitating that screeching sound as loudly as they can!

After the hunt we went grocery shopping, then came home and had a picnic in our front yard. We all soaked up the sunshine hoping and wishing that it will stay forever!!! OF course, the boys didn't stay on the blanket long. After a few minutes, socks were thrown and bare feet were running through the prickly green grass and the air was full of high-pitched laughter. Martin stared falling asleep (since he'd been up all night working the night shift). I just looked at my family smiling. I wish every day could be like this. Carefree and sunny, how blessed I am.

I hope all of you have a wonderful Easter holiday. Count your blessings and remember the true reason we celebrate this weekend and everyday of our lives- Our risen Savior!!!

MOTHERHOOD: don't forget your Machete!

I wrote this a few months ago and decided to post it here on my blog in hopes that maybe someone else is out there feeling just like me who can benefit.


I feel small, like I could slip down the drain in the kitchen sink and nobody would notice. Then again, they would notice. They’d notice an absence of nagging, yelling, and emotional tornados from the house. Who is this person I have become? I start out the day trying to be the person I know I should be, but then something happens… and that other person comes out to handle the situation, and then another thing happens and she’s taking over. I step back and don’t even recognize my life. It’s not supposed to be this way. I was going to be the calm understanding mother of respectful children who handled every situation with grace and ease. Is that even possible? I don’t think so. Motherhood has taken me by surprise on this crazy day-by-day adventure.
Most days, I’m hacking through the jungle with a machete, hoping this free-style path that I’m creating will eventually end up back to where I am supposed to be. But where is that exactly? Does anyone know? It’s exhausting- the search, the spontaneity, the mere survival of it all. Just a few more really hard days like today, and I think we’ll either make it back to the main path of balance where mother and child and family work together in harmony… or it will break me and I’ll never get turned in the right direction. I will have fallen so hard that I’ll never be able to get back up again. I know, that’s very pessimistic of me. I’m just begging for some rescue heroes to plow through the deep green overgrowth of my life on a four-wheeler, pull me aboard and show me the way. I imagine myself getting on, tuckering in for a long journey back to sanity and the right path, which will most likely be three feet away. Just like me- to give up when I was so close. But what if they never come? What if things never change? Will I be stuck in the jungle forever with monkeys and wild animals who won’t listen to a thing I say? Maybe I’ll start making my own clothes from their hides…
It’s better at night. At night I can wash away the exhaustion of the day, and after a few minutes of quiet I almost seem to forget it altogether. Maybe that’s how I’m able to keep going. The rest and the time to myself, recharges me for another day of trudging through the unknown.
I never knew it would be like this. I think that is what bothers me the most. I feel so unprepared, so inadequate- which frustrates me to no end. No one told me I would need a machete, much less that I would be making up most of the rules…where the path is, when to eat, sleep, or dance uncontrollably. These were things that felt very structured when I was growing up, like the parents all had the same handbook. When the rules were broken they knew exactly how to handle it. And there was no adventuring in the jungle; we always walked on the trail of balance and perfect harmony. I’m not saying we were perfect children by any means, but my parents somehow knew how to earn our respect gracefully, seemingly without much effort. Maybe I’m wrong; maybe it took a great deal of effort, as it currently is for me. They may have been able to disguise it better than I can.
I just can’t help feeling remorse at the end of the day, like I could have done better. I could have hacked more of the path away, gotten us closer to where we are supposed to be. I could have used smoother movements, more graceful tones, been lighter on my feet. What I have realized is that I can’t change them or their reactions to me. I can only change myself. I can give them opportunities to choose good and that is all. I can’t make that decision for them. I never knew it would be so hard, that it would hurt so much. I guess my biggest fear is that I will fail as a mother, the one thing I really wanted to be great at. My mind wanders to places far in the distance, and I can’t help knowing that what I do now affects their future every bit as much as what I will do then. Is the defiance a stage that will pass, or will it only get worse? Will an unruly almost four-year old become an uncontrollable teenager? I don’t want to believe that’s true, but sometimes it keeps me up at night.
I know discipline is healthy, and completely necessary, I just don’t want to spend ALL day playing rule enforcer! Somehow at this age I can’t escape it. They are both learning constantly and that includes boundaries of all kinds. Lately, Elijah has been testing everything possible, and even laughing at some punishments. I left him in his room with these words to end the day after he had been told several times to go to bed, “I’m going to let you choose. If you want to be good, you can lie down and go to sleep on your pillow like I asked you to. You can also choose to be naughty which will earn you a day of no fun tomorrow. I’m going to leave now and let you decide.” This works much better than time outs or spankings for Elijah. He’s a very smart little boy and deeply wants to do the right thing, so I find by giving him the option he will usually choose it. I think he also doesn’t want me to be right for some reason, so leaving the room allows him to make the decision with his own conscience. I always try to tell him that I love him after he has been punished. It feels much better when I can do this and keep myself in control, then I know I’m not acting out of anger and frustration.
Are you too using your machete? Have you found the path of balance in your life or do you too feel as if you are in the middle of an overgrown jungle?

Is This IT? Are we really done having babies?

If you know me well, you might know that I am fairly indecisive. This of course drives my husband crazy! "What do you want... just pick something!" He'll say after I've spent ten minutes going back and forth on an incredibly life altering decision like choosing which flavor of ice cream to get, or what sandwich to order. Due to this "character flaw" I have learned it's easier to stick with things that I already know will work for me. I no longer take chances on trying new flavors at the coffee shop; I get my favorite because it's the best- I know I will love it and I don't have to irritate Martin by weighing out the pros and cons of trying one of the specials. I've tried to use this tactic in all areas of my life to make things easier, but sometimes there just isn't an easy way out. You really have to weigh the pros and cons to come to a reasonable decision, which brings me to a decision I have been thinking about every day for months now.

First of all, I would like to say this is going to sound fairly silly and you might think I am totally ridiculous after reading my thoughts on how I am coming on this particular decision. You see, family planning has come to us in a sort of backwards manner (which is exactly what I am struggling with presently). We started out pregnant, six months into our marriage. It was a God-given surprise that led us on a path we hadn't planned for ourselves. We had always talked about having two or three kids... well now the question is blinking in front of my face every day like a neon add "Two or Three?" How do you know when your family is complete, when is it time to do something permanent?

I thought I knew. When I was pregnant the last time around, we had decided that if it was a girl we'd leave the option open to try again for a third child, but if it was a boy, we'd be done (the thought of possibly having three boys just seemed completely overwhelming to me at the time). Now we have two wonderful beautiful boys, and I am as I should have expected riding the fence about having another one.

Some days it's easy to go along with the already decided plan to be done having kids. It's definitely the more financially smart thing to do in our current situation. I can easily picture our family of four going on vacations together- everyone has their own window and we don't have to do crowd control because we aren't out numbered. I hold one child's hand and Martin holds the other's.

I also sort of like the idea of being the only lady in the house. I dream of days not too far off when I will send the boys off on a fishing trip and I will stay at home for a weekend of pampering or a girls night in.

Then there's the other issue of my sanity. Many days I feel like: how in the world would anyone handle more than two? Of course, I know many who have pulled it off beautifully, my mom included (in fact if she would have stopped at two, I wouldn't exist)! But that still doesn't make it the right decision for me.

So what does?

Certainly the fact that I have several beautiful baby girl names picked out that I may never get to use, is at the top of the list of not being a good reason to have another baby (at least that's what I am telling myself). My other reasons are like it: I notice pregnant women and babies everywhere I go and feel this strange aching in my stomach... maybe it's my heart. I usually remind myself that those parts of my life are over. I come up with some logical, reasonable thing to comfort myself like: now I can help other mommies and love on other babies... oh yeah and I can give even more love to the wonderful babies I already have!

My feelings on this matter change from day to day, and some days, hour to hour. Sometimes I can look at the sweet children God has given me and smile with feelings of contentment. (this usually happens when they are asleep or behaving exceptionally well) - "This is it, this is 'us,'" I think. But then again, what if it isn't?

So here's the list:

pros:

okay so it's really hard to put down what having a baby means on paper (but did you notice the photo at the beginning of this blog?...do I really need to write on?

Here are some words and thoughts that come to mind:

-joy

-being part of, and actively seeing a miracle

-feeling the presence of God

-life

-giggles

-cuddles

-seeing part you, part of the one you love, and a little bit of family here and there, all complied into one of God's most beautiful creations- your baby!

-pure love

-adventure

-lessons you can learn no other way

-afternoons of laying on the couch holding your bundle and thinking of nothing else

-a new friend for life (not just for you, but for siblings and many others)

-a new soul to teach and nurture

-tickles-laughter-playtime

-family

-I already have some great baby names picked out

- I already know how to change a diaper (which I can also do successfully in the back hatch of our car in the rain), and I can randomly and convincingly make up songs to go along with any emergency (such as cleaning up toys, going to bed, or learning to use the potty)

-the house is baby-proofed

-we have lots of baby things... toys, clothes, a crib etc.

-I'm still young- this year I'll be turning 25, which gives me plenty of time for another baby

-I have some kind of yearning that may or may not go away

-(warning: this one is a bit silly and surprising) I love the experience of pregnancy and birth. It is something only we can do as women and it is phenomenal and empowering and amazing.

cons:

these things are a little more tangible, which is why a decision like this is so difficult...

-we have a small three bedroom house (perfect for a family of four)

-I may finally be back to my pre-pregnancy weight and size (well as close as I'm going to get)

-our adult to child ratio is equal with two -another one may feel like juggling

-pregnancy, birth, sleep training, breast-feeding, potting training... etc... ALL OVER AGAIN! (of course most of these could also go on the pro list depending on how you look at it)

-most men would put this at the top of the list- finances- can we afford another one?

-emotionally- another one could just send me over the top... I'm not always stable as it is

-I get a full nights sleep on a regular basis- I'm not sure I can give that up again

-we also have a reliable schedule -I know when to expect naptimes, mealtimes, and playtimes

-it's quite possible that three car seats won't fit in our car

-I like having two boys- this could be it- and I could be completely satisfied

-I'm also not sure what I'd do with a girl, if we did have a girl, but then again, I'm still not sure what I'd do with three boys... I may never have a clean house or food in the refrigerator if that were to happen

I will probably think of more that I should have added to these lists... and maybe I will inform you of those thoughts later on. For now I still don't know where God will take our family, if he will add to it, or if this really is it. But I am finally allowing myself the option to consider it being okay to want another one. This all may sound crazy and backwards and incredibly indecisive, but that's me. I rarely think about anything for a only a fleeting moment... and this could be something that changes the rest of my life.

Let me know how you decided... or give me some ideas on when you know if your family is complete...