When A Baby Becomes A Toddler

          When does a baby become a toddler?  This is a most sneaky transition. One minute you are holding a snuggly bundle in your arms, and the next that bundle is traipsing through the house exploring every nook and cranny.  Childhood in it's purest definition is a series of seamless transitions made up of learning, growing, and changing. You can't quite declare the exact moment the transformation happens. It feels like a blink, a single breath escaping from your lips, and then it's over.  Your baby isn't quite a baby anymore.  Those sleepless nights you thought would never end, have vanished and there is an unexpected sadness mixed with joy. You've survived, and your baby is growing up.

          I feel like just yesterday we were bringing William home.  Though he was our biggest baby of the three, weighing in at 9lbs. and 13oz., he still felt itty bitty, the way all newborns do. It was one of the happiest days of my life, looking back at that precious little package in his brand new car seat, sleeping soundly.  His big brothers were still spending the day with Grandma and Papa, so it was just us.  When we got home, I gave him a "tour." It was his first time seeing the place, so I thought he should know his way around. I felt overwhelmed with pride showing him his very own room. "This is for you," I told him. "I'll tell you stories in that rocking chair, and sing to you. And sometimes we'll just sit there so I can look at you and tell you  that I love you. We'll snuggle and share many special moments together. Those are all your books up there on that shelf. Most of them are from Grandma, she's kind of a book fanatic." After I finished showing him his room, we looked at his big brother's room, and the rest of the house, then we snuggled down for a good feeding.
           I will never forget those first expressions of pure contentment. I love that "drunk-baby" look newborns get when they are nursing.  That first night was perfect, not that it didn't have it's challenges, but we had finally brought home the last member of our family, and all was good. That first week he spent mostly in just a diaper.  He had jaundice and it was late August, so we tried to let the sunlight seep into his sweet baby skin. Even at night, he slept next to me in just his diaper; I rubbed his smooth little back until he fell asleep.
          I think of those days often, now.  Especially when William begs to get up on that same bed so we can wrestle. He moves as fast as his monkey legs can carry him as soon as sees our bedroom door open and bolts for the side of the bed where he bangs his little arms until I give him a boost up.  Then it's all crawling, climbing and giggles. He loves to be tickled, and this has become our little game. Him, bolting for the bed, me, pretending I can't catch him until I tackle him gently on the bed and tickle him until he is breathing hard with laughter!
          It's true, this baby has morphed into a toddler somehow. He's shown all the signs, almost humorous fits of kicking and arm flinging when he doesn't get his way, destruction of all things in his path, and the requirement of constant snacks. The only sign this toddler has failed to show is to actually toddle. He'll be 18 months on the 22nd and has only taken a few steps here and there. I guess that means he's about 95% toddler. I'll hang hang on to that baby-ness as long as I can!
          Slowly it's been slipping away, but I cherish every cuddle and kiss. Last Sunday, William fell asleep on Martin, which is quite a rarity now.  I whispered to him that it may be the last time he does that.  William was snoring loud enough for probably a few rows around us to hear. And every time his little lip went in and out, a little spit bubble formed! Sigh... so precious. He may be growing up, but he'll always be my baby!

Come Baby, Come!

This will most likely be my last blog before I have baby William.  I was hoping to be holding him in my arms today, though really I'm not due for a couple more days, this past week has just been miserable.  The heat, the enormous belly preventing me from doing regular things, not to mention the extreme lower back pain, bizarre sleeping schedule, and yes crying at the drop of a hat or because the last pizza box just won't quite fit in the freezer! It all adds up to: Come Baby, Come! And so here I wait, wondering, hoping, and praying. Every little thing I take in to account, which probably isn't helping... the dull contractions that refuse to turn into a progressive pattern, every movement, and jult... maybe this is it. Not yet any ways.  You'd think I'd have this down, it is after all my third pregnancy! So I think back to my other two.

Elijah's Birth Story
I was pregnant with Elijah in the summer also; he was due at the end of September, and decided to drag it out an extra five days.  I don't remember feeling this anxious, people had told me that your first is always late, but I probably was.  The day he was born,  I woke up as usual with my hubby, took a shower, and sent him off to work. I had rented "The Cosby Show" as something to occupy my time while I waited, so I put that in and got comfortable (well as comfortable as a 40+ weeks pregnant woman can get on our "free" seventies-looking love seat).  Then I had to go pee... again, and that's when it happened.  My water broke while I was sitting on the toilet.  How convenient, right? I started timing and writing down the contractions and how long each one lasted.  Right away they were only 5-6 minutes apart, so I called Martin who hadn't even been at work a full hour.  It seemed to take forever for him to get home.  He did make one stop... he went to the store and bought me a huge bag of peanut butter M&Ms and a box of tissues... because of course every woman in labor can't survive without those two things.  Ummm... okay, thank you... now can we please go to the hospital?

When we finally got to our room in the hospital and the nurse checked me, I was dilated to 3cm.  She convinced me to get some kind of drug through an IV that would "take the edge off."  Oh no, it did nothing like that.  It only made me feel "weird" like I had a headache and kind of a dizzying feeling.  I also had an antibiotic  because I was Strep B positive.  The worst part was taking that IV around with me everywhere... to the bathroom, and then trying to get in the bath, which didn't work at all.  The nurse had asked me right away about getting prepped for an epidural, I agreed.  Although he didn't get there until I was at 7 centimeters! Getting that epidural was the hardest part because it seemed impossible to sit still during a contraction.  Martin stood in front of me holding both of my hands, while I tried breathing and holding still. He must have seen the needle or something because the next thing I knew, he was on the floor, three nurses had to help him up, put him in a chair and give him oxygen! Men, just aren't made for this stuff I guess!

After the epidural, everything was calm. I barely noticed the contractions.  Martin watched them on the monitor, "oh that was a big one." Not long after it was time to push.  Elijah was born at 1:30pm... just under seven hours after I put "The Cosby Show" on pause.

Owen's Birth Story
When I got pregnant the second time, a friend of mine told me about her experience with a midwife here in town.  My first thought was that it was nice for her, but she sounded a little crazy.  What, go through that pain without any help? She said she'd do it again just for the endorphins afterwards and the feeling of power and accomplishment.  Say-what? I had never heard anyone say that about childbirth.  As it turned out, we weren't covered on insurance for a baby at the time and couldn't get help any other way, and a midwife was a third of the cost of the hospital.  I got used to the idea very quickly. It wasn't that I was opposed to natural childbirth before, I just didn't think that I could do it. This place changed everything. It's a clinic that provides not only care , but classes and many other services.  Martin and I took a 6-week class together that really equipped us for what was to come.  I learned that I really was made to do this, and that knowledge gave me confidence that made all the difference.

This pregnancy was slightly different of course because I had a two-year old to look after, we were also living in someone else's home. The morning I started having contractions, I kept telling myself they were just more braxton hicks.  I knew the "real" ones would be much worse.  So I went about my day with toddler Elijah, having contractions here and there.  Then they did start to get worse. By nap time, I had to really focus to get through that storybook for him. Around 1pm, I called my doula (my professional labor aid/coach) just to see what she thought. "It's time to call Martin," she said. I also called my parents to come and pick up Elijah. I still wanted to stay at home as long as possible, so I continued to labor there for at least another hour before we went to the clinic.

When we finally did leave, my contractions we so bad that being in the car was almost unbearable, like being caged. Luckily the drive wasn't long. When we got there the lights were low, gentle music was playing, and my midwife and doula were both there ready to support me.  I spent some time on an exercise ball, bouncing and breathing while Martin and the doula took turns putting pressure on my back, massaging me, getting me water, etc.  My contractions were too close together for me to be checked and soon I was ready to get in the tub.  We had a planned water-birth because it is the best for both baby and mom.  It's the easiest transition, and I can't tell you how much that warm water helps with the pain.  As soon as I sunk into that over-sized tub, I felt relief, not absence of pain, but definite relief.  A few moments later, my midwife told me I could push through the contractions if I wanted to, that this might make me fell better.  It did.  Then it came time for the real pushing.  This was definitely the hardest part, but it only took three good pushes and I was done. Martin got to "catch" little baby Owen, who wasn't very little at all ( 9lbs. and 4oz.) It was amazing and I did feel quite a bit differently compared to how I felt after Elijah's birth.  I was much more alert, and aware or everything. I also healed much faster and easier. We had a nice dinner there while baby was being weighed and measured, and stayed overnight, after only about 5 hours of labor.

What will William's story be? We are planning to have him at the clinic, I'd have him at home, but my tub just isn't big enough! I chose a different room this time, they have three "birthing suites" this time I'm going to try to make it upstairs to the one they call "the green room" I like that it has the bathroom in the room and it feels very warm and cozy. I tell people having a baby there is like staying at a bed and breakfast after a birth with the hands of those you trust most like a sister, or a best friend, or a favorite aunt.  I hope I have news to share of his birth soon, but it may be a while before I get to posting again!

Blue or Pink- What do you Think?

nine. eight. seven. six. five. four. three. two. one... boy or girl?! The date is set- nine days until we find out little twiddle bug's gender! I can't wait! I wanted to have perfect names picked out for both, so that when we found out, we could start calling baby by name, but I'm having trouble with a boy name. There's one or two that I like, but are they fitting and perfect enough for this little one? I don't know. I open to suggestions at this point since it seems I have exhausted my sources. Girl names, on the other hand are no problem for me. I guess it's because I don't have a girl yet, and I haven't used up my favorite names on that account.

Me to Elijah: "so do you want a sister or a little brother?"
him: "baby sister!"
me: "How come?"
him: "Well we already have two boys, and I would like the sister a lot."

Owen wants a boy. He still pretty much calls everyone a "he." I'm guessing he doesn't see a huge difference between genders at this point.

I sort of like the idea of having a third boy... I know I'm asking for trouble, and more messes, monsters, and a whole lot of wild! But raising boys has been a lot of fun this far, I think a third boy would fit in so easily with these rambunctious little superheroes I already claim.

I also have to admit... I kind of like being the only girl in the house. I send the boys out with their daddy to do "boy" things like fishing, wrestling in the yard, or just digging in the dirt. Boys have a special way of loving their mommy... of course I'm sure girls do to. They protect me, and "make me feel better," when I'm sad. I guess I get pampered a little more than I might if our house was full of other girls... who wouldn't love that?

But... on the other hand I've never had a girl to do girly stuff with. I imagine all the things I would love doing since I am completely girly to the core! Painting nails, big frilly hair bows, SHOES, boy talk, purses, secrets, movies, books, crafts, the list goes on and on... Yes, a little girl would be fun! I also know how much Martin would love a daughter! He has a natural tenderness that would make any little girl blossom to see in her daddy.

So Blue or Pink, no matter what I think, God has already chosen this child of ours specifically for us! That alone amazes me. He knows everything about this little person who isn't even born yet, this little twiddle bug that I am dying to meet, He understands completely. Now all that's left to do is wait.

The boys won't be coming with us to the ultrasound, so I am thinking up a fun way to tell them about their little sibling. That gives me a project to distract me from madness... oh yeah and find a few more boys name to consider.

Gotta Have a PICKLE!!!

I'm actually now 16 weeks, but wanted to update anyways. I am growing so much faster with this third baby! I can't believe I already have this round tummy popping out!!!

Sunday I definitely felt the baby move a few times. It wasn't "hmmm... that could have been something," it was, "whoa... yeah that was a little human inside me making it's presence known." For me that is one of the most joyful parts of pregnancy, especially in this early stage when the movements aren't yet kicks or rolls or acrobat moves. We were in the car when it first happened and I looked over to tell Martin with the biggest smile. He told me I was glowing and it was good to see me so happy.

And I am so happy. Even though so far everyday is a challenge trying to be mom of two of the busiest little guys around, and take care of myself, and well forget the house. I did vacuum today though and got some laundry put away, so that should count for something right? Martin has been my hero all along. He is just great that way. He keeps up on the dishes mostly. Last night I actually watched him fold two baskets of laundry and put everything away while I had a snack. Amazing, right!

Pickles really are awesome. I'm not really a pickle fanatic, but now I finally get the craze of a pregnant woman needing some pickles. Yesterday I stopped at Jimmy Johns and they sell huge pickles... you can actually go through the drive through and order just a pickle! I got a veggie sandwich too, but how awesomely amazing and convenient is that?! Now I kinda want one...

Part of me wishes pregnancy didn't take so long. I am already so anxious to meet this little person growing inside me and introduce him/her to the rest of the fam. I love hearing the boy's add the baby into our life when we are going about our day and talking about things. Today Owen mentioned that we would bring the new baby to the beach to have a picnic with us. (They are both anxious for the beach and picnics... Elijah said he wants his Great Grandma to come and make a pie, because she makes the best pies). They also will periodically kiss my belly or Owen will give me a kiss (he likes to hand out his kisses rather than actually kiss your cheek) and say this one you can save for baby. They will both be such great big brothers to this new little one!

An Afternoon Nap... and ramblings

I can't believe both of my boys are asleep right now... at the same time in the middle of the afternoon. On this rare occasion I feel like I should be doing something more valuable than blogging and looking around online. Elijah almost never takes a nap. Valentines Day at school must have really worn him out. I had a special bear sent to him with candy and a note and he is cuddled up with it on the couch asleep. I found him that way after I had put Owen down for his nap.


It's a nice break. I haven't even made lunch yet, which reminds me there is nothing to eat anyways. I'm in some kind of weird cycle. We have no ingredients to make anything, yet going to the grocery store feels overwhelming right now, so I keep putting it off, maybe grabbing something here or there or eating out. Not good. I know. I need some real food. Today I was wishing Jamba Juice had a drive through. Who really wants to lug two kids inside for a smoothie which they will probably beg for as well? Plus Owen had already fallen asleep in the car before we got home. Uhg. I didn't realize it was going to be so challenging being pregnant the third time around.

Everyone knows the first time is pretty easy. You have no one to worry about except for yourself. You can eat right, rest, and do all of those "by the book" sort of things. For me, baby number two was more challenging of course because I had a toddler to take care of and resting only happened when Sesame Street or other cartoons were on. But still no one was in school yet, and I stayed home all day long. Now things are drastically different. On school days, which I've now limited to three days a week since I just couldn't handle it and it's only pre-school, we are here and there and the morning feels so exhausting. This morning I cried so much I didn't think I would make it out the door. I don't remember being this emotional the last time. I'm also at that weird stage where I don't look pregnant yet, just chubby. Really, it's not belly people, it's baby! Then again, I haven't exactly refused cookies, cake or ice cream recently.

Thursday is my first appointment with my midwife! yahoo! I can't wait to see her again. She delivered Owen and I had a great experience. Now I'm about 12 weeks and ready to hear this little ones heartbeat!

Baby on the Way!

My sister, Jenny, is due to have her second baby this friday. Which means of course I can't stop thinking about her and the baby and anything related. Her and her husband decided to torture us all by not finding out the sex of the baby! So I can't buy anything, really because she doesn't want everything to be yellow. I keep seeing things that could be perfect, like this adorable "little brother" onesie... but of course it could just as easily be the opposite of perfect. (However, my bets are all on them having a boy!!!) They have a 2 and a half year old daughter- May, who is going to be a wonderful big sister! I'm so excited and shaking with anticipation, and at the same time I am remembering just how much life changed going from one child to two.

Our boys are nearly two and half years apart, but I remember feeling like Elijah was still my little baby right up until Owen was born. Then he seemed huge and so grown up. The big brother role came so automatically to him that I was extremely grateful. However we did watch an extra lot of sesame street movies and pbs kids those first few months when I was "zombied out" on the couch nursing a newborn. My days were no longer just about Elijah, they were about balancing, giving up on things I didn't used to, and surviving, mostly.

At first it felt like we would never do anything. We were home bound day in and day out. But as the weeks passed, it got easier, routine set in, and all of a sudden I got my life back. And at the same time, my life had gone through a major make-over. We had morphed into a family of four. Martin and I were more of a team than ever with both of us having a little one to put in the car, or a job to do with one or the other, all day long.

Now Owen is a few months past two, and he's the one watching PBS and gabbing on about the new things he finds in his world. Soon he'll have a new baby cousin to love! The family is growing... I wish I could stretch myself far enough to be with them all. I will be going to stay with Jenny and her new addition to the family at the end of May, but by then baby may be nearly a month old! (since she is due today!!!)

My prayers are with her... she has chosen to have an at home birth with a midwife!!! Yay Jen, you rock! I know that she will be strong and I hope she has a wonderful delivery. Birth is such an amazing experience, especially if you are able to do it the way God intended- naturally! I wouldn't trade my natural birth with Owen for anything!

Good Luck, Jen! I am thinking of you and baby every minute!!!

The Blessing

My house is quiet and nearly clean, if you can ignore my counter clutter and little piles here and there. I do anyways. The laundry is done (of course it's not folded or put away- yuck- who wants to do that) and the dishwasher light says "clean." In my book that is beyond success for the day.

Sometimes I wonder why time exists, some say it's God's way of keeping everything from happening to us at once. However, there are moments when everything does happen at once and time has nothing to do with it. I think that's why I can enjoy these moments so much, these moments of nothingness. I can let out a satisfying "ahhhhhhh" because now, this quiet, this simplicity, is the exact opposite of my life just an hour ago. It is God's yin and yang. You can't enjoy your blessings if you are never more than a foot away from them.

Yes, children are a blessing from God. We all know that, everyone tells you that even before you have kids, and especially when you are pregnant. Oh yes, then, little old ladies at the grocery store rub your belly and tell you all about the blessing. God Himself includes that special phrase in the Book. And in our hearts we feel it the day they are born, and every day after that, I imagine until the day we die.

But sometimes, our blessings can feel heavy, overwhelming even, and we just need that extra time away from them to realize how special they are. You know what I'm talking about. Sometimes it's just a few moments to yourself, being in your world again where people speak in your language(... nobody says anything about poo). Maybe a little coffee break or visit with a girlfriend. These are the things we need in our life to keep us sane, to keep the balance, and to rejuvenate.

Then there's date night... a whole evening sometimes even an overnight stay where you get to fully engross yourself into the you, you used to be. (note: if this hasn't happened to you for a few months... it's time... you need to admit to yourself that you really are going crazy - a night wearing girly stuff- high heels- dangly earings.. will rock your world!) This is more of a warning than a note- GET OUT OF THE HOUSE...OTHER PEOPLE WILL WATCH YOUR KIDS! I'll even watch your kids, and I might not even know you. Believe me, it's good for everyone's health.

So, we experienced an entire weekend kid-free last weekend. And I have to tell you, something amazing and magical happens when you are away from them that long. First of all you remember that they aren't the only thing that defines you, but second of all, you really your love for them multiplies, something you thought impossible. How could you love them more?

Friday I was rushing around trying to get ready. I needed to pack there stuff, my stuff, shower and look decent,so I used the trick card and put in a movie. How else could I get it all done? Of course Owen lost interest in the first ten minutes and came wondering in to see what mommy was doing. "You changing your clothes, mommy?" "Yep" "Did you get pee pee in those pants?" "no," I said laughing. "oh, poo?" I laughed harder, and scooted him out of the room. Of course his main frame of reference would be one of those two things for needed to change clothes.

When we dropped them off at my parents house, they were ready to see us go. "See ya water," Owen said opening the door to let us out. "bye, bye!!!" They were ready for some Papa and Grandma time! We left easily, I'm not one to hover, but by the next morning, I couldn't help wonder about them. They're my babies after all.

The car was so .... what was it... something felt... oh yeah, quiet. There were no screams, squeals, or giggles. No food, toys, or punches being thrown. (okay my kids don't really throw punches, but they do try to grab whatever body part they can reach on each other in the car). It was different, it was the "ahhhh." But then came the "awwww... I miss 'em."

When Sunday came I was more than ready to see them. When we saw other kids and babies at the church we went to, I was wishing they were there. I knew they'd be disruptive, and bouncy, just like usual, but they're my disruptive bouncy kids, and I love them.

I almost always use the back door at my parents house, the front door seems to formal. This time as we climbed the porch steps I could feel my anticipation rise. I saw Owen first, through the glass door, sitting on the couch. He was wearing Papa's WSU hat, one of his favorite things to do. In that instant my heart was in two places at once. It scooped him up before my arms could reach him and wrapped him in the love that is continually and forever his. I shot across the room to claim my boys. They are wonderful. My love has multiplied. They are my blessings.

Being away from them did rejuvenate me, not because they are so difficult, but sometimes we need to be away from the things we love so we don't take them for granted. I had an overwhelming feeling that is hard to describe when I held them both in my arms again. I was so happy that they were mine, like... oh yeah, I get to do this great thing every day with these great kids... I get to be A MOM!

Is This IT? Are we really done having babies?

If you know me well, you might know that I am fairly indecisive. This of course drives my husband crazy! "What do you want... just pick something!" He'll say after I've spent ten minutes going back and forth on an incredibly life altering decision like choosing which flavor of ice cream to get, or what sandwich to order. Due to this "character flaw" I have learned it's easier to stick with things that I already know will work for me. I no longer take chances on trying new flavors at the coffee shop; I get my favorite because it's the best- I know I will love it and I don't have to irritate Martin by weighing out the pros and cons of trying one of the specials. I've tried to use this tactic in all areas of my life to make things easier, but sometimes there just isn't an easy way out. You really have to weigh the pros and cons to come to a reasonable decision, which brings me to a decision I have been thinking about every day for months now.

First of all, I would like to say this is going to sound fairly silly and you might think I am totally ridiculous after reading my thoughts on how I am coming on this particular decision. You see, family planning has come to us in a sort of backwards manner (which is exactly what I am struggling with presently). We started out pregnant, six months into our marriage. It was a God-given surprise that led us on a path we hadn't planned for ourselves. We had always talked about having two or three kids... well now the question is blinking in front of my face every day like a neon add "Two or Three?" How do you know when your family is complete, when is it time to do something permanent?

I thought I knew. When I was pregnant the last time around, we had decided that if it was a girl we'd leave the option open to try again for a third child, but if it was a boy, we'd be done (the thought of possibly having three boys just seemed completely overwhelming to me at the time). Now we have two wonderful beautiful boys, and I am as I should have expected riding the fence about having another one.

Some days it's easy to go along with the already decided plan to be done having kids. It's definitely the more financially smart thing to do in our current situation. I can easily picture our family of four going on vacations together- everyone has their own window and we don't have to do crowd control because we aren't out numbered. I hold one child's hand and Martin holds the other's.

I also sort of like the idea of being the only lady in the house. I dream of days not too far off when I will send the boys off on a fishing trip and I will stay at home for a weekend of pampering or a girls night in.

Then there's the other issue of my sanity. Many days I feel like: how in the world would anyone handle more than two? Of course, I know many who have pulled it off beautifully, my mom included (in fact if she would have stopped at two, I wouldn't exist)! But that still doesn't make it the right decision for me.

So what does?

Certainly the fact that I have several beautiful baby girl names picked out that I may never get to use, is at the top of the list of not being a good reason to have another baby (at least that's what I am telling myself). My other reasons are like it: I notice pregnant women and babies everywhere I go and feel this strange aching in my stomach... maybe it's my heart. I usually remind myself that those parts of my life are over. I come up with some logical, reasonable thing to comfort myself like: now I can help other mommies and love on other babies... oh yeah and I can give even more love to the wonderful babies I already have!

My feelings on this matter change from day to day, and some days, hour to hour. Sometimes I can look at the sweet children God has given me and smile with feelings of contentment. (this usually happens when they are asleep or behaving exceptionally well) - "This is it, this is 'us,'" I think. But then again, what if it isn't?

So here's the list:

pros:

okay so it's really hard to put down what having a baby means on paper (but did you notice the photo at the beginning of this blog?...do I really need to write on?

Here are some words and thoughts that come to mind:

-joy

-being part of, and actively seeing a miracle

-feeling the presence of God

-life

-giggles

-cuddles

-seeing part you, part of the one you love, and a little bit of family here and there, all complied into one of God's most beautiful creations- your baby!

-pure love

-adventure

-lessons you can learn no other way

-afternoons of laying on the couch holding your bundle and thinking of nothing else

-a new friend for life (not just for you, but for siblings and many others)

-a new soul to teach and nurture

-tickles-laughter-playtime

-family

-I already have some great baby names picked out

- I already know how to change a diaper (which I can also do successfully in the back hatch of our car in the rain), and I can randomly and convincingly make up songs to go along with any emergency (such as cleaning up toys, going to bed, or learning to use the potty)

-the house is baby-proofed

-we have lots of baby things... toys, clothes, a crib etc.

-I'm still young- this year I'll be turning 25, which gives me plenty of time for another baby

-I have some kind of yearning that may or may not go away

-(warning: this one is a bit silly and surprising) I love the experience of pregnancy and birth. It is something only we can do as women and it is phenomenal and empowering and amazing.

cons:

these things are a little more tangible, which is why a decision like this is so difficult...

-we have a small three bedroom house (perfect for a family of four)

-I may finally be back to my pre-pregnancy weight and size (well as close as I'm going to get)

-our adult to child ratio is equal with two -another one may feel like juggling

-pregnancy, birth, sleep training, breast-feeding, potting training... etc... ALL OVER AGAIN! (of course most of these could also go on the pro list depending on how you look at it)

-most men would put this at the top of the list- finances- can we afford another one?

-emotionally- another one could just send me over the top... I'm not always stable as it is

-I get a full nights sleep on a regular basis- I'm not sure I can give that up again

-we also have a reliable schedule -I know when to expect naptimes, mealtimes, and playtimes

-it's quite possible that three car seats won't fit in our car

-I like having two boys- this could be it- and I could be completely satisfied

-I'm also not sure what I'd do with a girl, if we did have a girl, but then again, I'm still not sure what I'd do with three boys... I may never have a clean house or food in the refrigerator if that were to happen

I will probably think of more that I should have added to these lists... and maybe I will inform you of those thoughts later on. For now I still don't know where God will take our family, if he will add to it, or if this really is it. But I am finally allowing myself the option to consider it being okay to want another one. This all may sound crazy and backwards and incredibly indecisive, but that's me. I rarely think about anything for a only a fleeting moment... and this could be something that changes the rest of my life.

Let me know how you decided... or give me some ideas on when you know if your family is complete...