An unexpected Package

Many of you know that I spent a month jump-starting my goal to become healthy and fit. Now I am proudly working out every other day! I'm actually sticking to it! You might also be aware of my incredibly sweet husband. The following has the possibility of making you extremely envious (unless of course you too have a husband who continues to court you). I'm not telling you this to purposely make you wish your husband did things like this... In fact I honestly and whole-heartedly hope that he does. Because these are the moments that make us stop in our tracks, make us sigh with assurance, and hold on to for a long, long time.

This afternoon the doorbell rang. This is going to sound silly- but I'm in the habit of using the bathroom with the door open. I feel like that way I can still keep an understanding of what is happening with my kids. So I'm sitting on the toilet thinking, "who would be ringing the doorbell in the middle of the day?" My mind immediately thinks for some reason Mormons or Jehovah's Witnesses, and I make an effort to close the bathroom door quickly because I hear Martin rush to the front door answer it. That could have been a very uncomfortable situation.
After coming out of the bathroom, I ask Martin, "So who was at the door?"
"Come and see," he says, "I've been waiting for this!"
So by this point I knew it had not been the Jehovah's Witnesses or the Mormons, but some kind of package that had been delivered. Of course, why hadn't I thought of that? A large soft envelope was now on our dining room table. What could it be? At first I immediately assumed it was another book for the classes that he's been taking, then I noticed two letters in the top left hand corner that gave it all away: VS.
Meaning: Victoria's Secret... now before you get any ideas... It was nothing like what you may be thinking. No lingerie or sexy, sexy things. I ripped open the envelope to find the most flattering, fun sports bra I had ever seen in a bright reddish-pink. Along with the bra, were three fitness tanks, one plum, one jade, and one grey!
And this is what he said, "I am so proud of you for sticking with your work-out plan and wanted you to have something nice as a reward. These will look great on you!"
Wow, right?! I mean first of all he did this without me knowing. Secondly, he got my size right... which is amazing all on its own, and thirdly it made me feel on top of the world! He really loves me, more than I deserve, more than I could ever ask for. He's my penguin, my match, my best friend!
I just had to share my happy moment with all of you. I hope that you have many of these moments too. Now I have the perfect thing to wear for Sunday's "Race For The Cure!" What could be more perfect than a bright pink sports bra under that grey tank?

Is This IT? Are we really done having babies?

If you know me well, you might know that I am fairly indecisive. This of course drives my husband crazy! "What do you want... just pick something!" He'll say after I've spent ten minutes going back and forth on an incredibly life altering decision like choosing which flavor of ice cream to get, or what sandwich to order. Due to this "character flaw" I have learned it's easier to stick with things that I already know will work for me. I no longer take chances on trying new flavors at the coffee shop; I get my favorite because it's the best- I know I will love it and I don't have to irritate Martin by weighing out the pros and cons of trying one of the specials. I've tried to use this tactic in all areas of my life to make things easier, but sometimes there just isn't an easy way out. You really have to weigh the pros and cons to come to a reasonable decision, which brings me to a decision I have been thinking about every day for months now.

First of all, I would like to say this is going to sound fairly silly and you might think I am totally ridiculous after reading my thoughts on how I am coming on this particular decision. You see, family planning has come to us in a sort of backwards manner (which is exactly what I am struggling with presently). We started out pregnant, six months into our marriage. It was a God-given surprise that led us on a path we hadn't planned for ourselves. We had always talked about having two or three kids... well now the question is blinking in front of my face every day like a neon add "Two or Three?" How do you know when your family is complete, when is it time to do something permanent?

I thought I knew. When I was pregnant the last time around, we had decided that if it was a girl we'd leave the option open to try again for a third child, but if it was a boy, we'd be done (the thought of possibly having three boys just seemed completely overwhelming to me at the time). Now we have two wonderful beautiful boys, and I am as I should have expected riding the fence about having another one.

Some days it's easy to go along with the already decided plan to be done having kids. It's definitely the more financially smart thing to do in our current situation. I can easily picture our family of four going on vacations together- everyone has their own window and we don't have to do crowd control because we aren't out numbered. I hold one child's hand and Martin holds the other's.

I also sort of like the idea of being the only lady in the house. I dream of days not too far off when I will send the boys off on a fishing trip and I will stay at home for a weekend of pampering or a girls night in.

Then there's the other issue of my sanity. Many days I feel like: how in the world would anyone handle more than two? Of course, I know many who have pulled it off beautifully, my mom included (in fact if she would have stopped at two, I wouldn't exist)! But that still doesn't make it the right decision for me.

So what does?

Certainly the fact that I have several beautiful baby girl names picked out that I may never get to use, is at the top of the list of not being a good reason to have another baby (at least that's what I am telling myself). My other reasons are like it: I notice pregnant women and babies everywhere I go and feel this strange aching in my stomach... maybe it's my heart. I usually remind myself that those parts of my life are over. I come up with some logical, reasonable thing to comfort myself like: now I can help other mommies and love on other babies... oh yeah and I can give even more love to the wonderful babies I already have!

My feelings on this matter change from day to day, and some days, hour to hour. Sometimes I can look at the sweet children God has given me and smile with feelings of contentment. (this usually happens when they are asleep or behaving exceptionally well) - "This is it, this is 'us,'" I think. But then again, what if it isn't?

So here's the list:

pros:

okay so it's really hard to put down what having a baby means on paper (but did you notice the photo at the beginning of this blog?...do I really need to write on?

Here are some words and thoughts that come to mind:

-joy

-being part of, and actively seeing a miracle

-feeling the presence of God

-life

-giggles

-cuddles

-seeing part you, part of the one you love, and a little bit of family here and there, all complied into one of God's most beautiful creations- your baby!

-pure love

-adventure

-lessons you can learn no other way

-afternoons of laying on the couch holding your bundle and thinking of nothing else

-a new friend for life (not just for you, but for siblings and many others)

-a new soul to teach and nurture

-tickles-laughter-playtime

-family

-I already have some great baby names picked out

- I already know how to change a diaper (which I can also do successfully in the back hatch of our car in the rain), and I can randomly and convincingly make up songs to go along with any emergency (such as cleaning up toys, going to bed, or learning to use the potty)

-the house is baby-proofed

-we have lots of baby things... toys, clothes, a crib etc.

-I'm still young- this year I'll be turning 25, which gives me plenty of time for another baby

-I have some kind of yearning that may or may not go away

-(warning: this one is a bit silly and surprising) I love the experience of pregnancy and birth. It is something only we can do as women and it is phenomenal and empowering and amazing.

cons:

these things are a little more tangible, which is why a decision like this is so difficult...

-we have a small three bedroom house (perfect for a family of four)

-I may finally be back to my pre-pregnancy weight and size (well as close as I'm going to get)

-our adult to child ratio is equal with two -another one may feel like juggling

-pregnancy, birth, sleep training, breast-feeding, potting training... etc... ALL OVER AGAIN! (of course most of these could also go on the pro list depending on how you look at it)

-most men would put this at the top of the list- finances- can we afford another one?

-emotionally- another one could just send me over the top... I'm not always stable as it is

-I get a full nights sleep on a regular basis- I'm not sure I can give that up again

-we also have a reliable schedule -I know when to expect naptimes, mealtimes, and playtimes

-it's quite possible that three car seats won't fit in our car

-I like having two boys- this could be it- and I could be completely satisfied

-I'm also not sure what I'd do with a girl, if we did have a girl, but then again, I'm still not sure what I'd do with three boys... I may never have a clean house or food in the refrigerator if that were to happen

I will probably think of more that I should have added to these lists... and maybe I will inform you of those thoughts later on. For now I still don't know where God will take our family, if he will add to it, or if this really is it. But I am finally allowing myself the option to consider it being okay to want another one. This all may sound crazy and backwards and incredibly indecisive, but that's me. I rarely think about anything for a only a fleeting moment... and this could be something that changes the rest of my life.

Let me know how you decided... or give me some ideas on when you know if your family is complete...

The Misfit

This morning I was feeling confident, proud even. After a month of sweating it out in my living room a pair of pre-baby pants gracefully slipped over my hips. I even buttoned them with ease! Later on in the day, we decided to make an outing to Old Navy. They were having a One Day Wonder sale on polo shirts for $5 (I thought they'd be great for Martin to wear to work, but they had no pocket, and aparently this is very important to him... so we didn't actually buy any polos) I wasn't really planning on buying anything, but while I was browsing the clearance racks a few things practically jumped into my basket.
Now, if you are like most women, you avoid the dressing room at all cost. It looks good on the hanger and that is the size you wore last time you bought something, so it should fit, right? This is a terrible mistake, however we all know what is going to happen in the fitting room. The things we wanted to fit somehow look like a completely different garment than we imagined, and the size we hoped to be, well... is still a dream in the making.
I decided to face the fitting room today since I did have the advantage of a husband to help out with the boys. I found this great pair of jeans that they wanted practically nothing for. Of course the jeans were one size smaller than the pants I was wearing. I took them anyway and with brave optimism I stepped behind the curtain . Now it was just me and the jeans. Silently I began chanting, begging, pleading, "please fit, please fit, please fit!" I got one leg in up to my thigh- it was already looking questionable. I begged some more as I squeezed the second leg in, and then the jumping, shaking, and, wiggling began. Taking a deep breath, I sucked in everything I could and fastened the button victoriously. If getting in to the jeans truly was the goal, I would have been a champion, but unfortunately I needed to look good in them too and my reflection wouldn't lie. I kept trying different angles, telling myself that they could look good on me. The girl in the mirror set me straight with, "Stop fooling yourself, you won't even be able to sit down! Just face it, you may never wear this size comfortably again!"
She was right. I removed the too-tight jeans, and slipped back into my own pants. I gave myself a second look. They weren't so bad. I could button them without "stuff" hanging over the waistline.
I hate fitting rooms, but as you can see, it's really all my own fault. We all do it- hoping something is what it isn't, hoping something will make us feel what it can't possibly, and setting expectations too high for ourselves. If there was a fitting room for life I'd probably still pick the wrong jeans to try on... and then I'd realize I look just fine in what I already have.

The Long Way Home

We live about twenty minutes out of town, at least the town where I prefer to do most of my outings. That gives me two options, the freeway, or the long back, country road. Most of the time I take the freeway to wherever we are going, the grocery store, church, grandma’s house. But I like to take the long way home.
Today, after church, I grabbed my favorite white mocha freeze at Dutch Bros, and headed home on the long country road. My two boys were babbling and giggling with each other in the backseat, Elijah stretching his arm out attempting to place a sticker on his brother’s face. They love each other so much! I simply smiled to myself in the rear view mirror ready to enjoy the next twenty minutes.
There is something freeing about driving out in the open where you can see outstretched plains reaching to far away purple mountains topped with snow. We pass cows and horses, even goats roaming in their very own pasture, just as God intended. It is then that I feel, just for a moment, that everything is right and as it should be. I roll the window down and let the breeze fluster my hair a little. Then a voice from the backseat says, “I want my window down too, mommy!” “All right, just a little,” I say. Elijah tells me how many horses were in the meadow out his window. I smile with pride, wonder, and amazement – this boy is growing up too quickly.
A few minutes later, near the half-way mark of getting home, the chatting, giggling and babbling ceases. I look behind me to see two zonked out boys, heads loose- faces angelic. The vault of my heart snaps a picture, so I can remember this moment forever.

The next ten minutes of my drive are just for me. I finish sipping my perfect drink, and think about my life. My struggles, my victories, and thoughts of the future flutter through my mind with new hope in these few minutes of perfect peace. The sun is peeking through the clouds resplendently.

Crying in Closets

Every day I am faced with the realization of how ridiculous my life is. The abnormality of my schedule is really starting to take it's toll on me. Today I found myself locked in the darkness of my closet just to get some peace, take some deep breaths and yes, cry a little. It's not that my life is so bad. In fact I have a very blessed life and everything that I need is supplied for me more often than not. I'm just tired of not seeing my husband on a regular basis, and I know I'm not the only one and I shouldn't complain... I hate being a whiner. But here is what my week looks like:
If you didn't already know, Martin, my hubby, works the night shift. He gets up at 8;30pm Sunday through Thursday and comes home around 7am. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, he goes to morning classes. On those days he makes it home for a late lunch and then it's off to sleep at 2pm. Tuesdays and Thursdays are sometimes spent going somewhere together for the morning. Of course he have to plan our outings around two young boys as well so that is often a challenge too. This week however, I didn't get to spend this morning with him, and I won't get Thursday either because he's working on a computer consulting job. Which I am thrilled and proud and excited for him, because he's beginning a dream- this is what he wants to be doing, but I also feel a little resentment... guilty resentment, but it's there nonetheless. Those hours, those few morning hours are supposed to be mine.

I don't want to feel this way, like the other half of my team is missing because I know he's working so hard to do what he can for our family. It would be so much easier to justify my feelings if he didn't care, if he wasn't the most wonderful husband in the world, and the best most loving daddy.
Before he started this night shift position, we did everything together. I never went anywhere alone, and if I did it was never with the boys in tow. I felt incapable. We always did things as a family even if it was just running to the store to stock up on toilet paper. We'd make it fun because we were out doing it together. Maybe we'd stop for a coffee on the way and have a good chat about something new.
I miss the way things used to be. I miss casually watching a rented movie together in our living room. We never have two consecutive hours together. We tried watching a movie in segments before he went to work one week, but that was like torture. It took us four nights to see the entire movie, and it's just not the same when you know your husband is going to walk out the door in half an hour. You can't just relax. You know the bed you sleep in will be cold and empty, and once he leaves you'll finish the bowl of popcorn or ice cream or m&ms all by yourself. And every skitter the cat makes, or bark out the window will make you jump, because your alone. And the worst part is, every night is the same. It's not like he's just gone for a fishing trip with his brother for the weekend, it's night after night after night.
Oh yeah and did I mention we don't get to spend weekends together either? nope, he's got to stay on his schedule so it doesn't mes up his sleep pattern. So if we want a date night or if we want to do anything... we really have to plan it. Occasionally he'll sleep Friday morning so that we can go out Friday night, but nothing can be spontaneous. And we are always working against time.
So today I went into the closet. It wasn't my first time. I turned out the light, closed the door wishing that it would all go away... go back to the way it used to be. I knew it was pointless, but I'm in a tunnel- a BIG, LONG tunnel and I can't see the light shining at the other end. People tell me it will get better, and that there is a light somewhere out there. I believe you... I've told people this exact same thing, but the person who's in the dark doesn't want to hear that, they want to hear that's it's okay. It's okay to feel this way... like you can't go on and you want to give up. I do want to give up- every day I meet that moment and I have to face it. Sometimes i push through, I surprise myself by being strong. Other days I cry in the closet where my kids can't see or hear me, and I tell myself it's okay.

My Favorite (mostly healthy) Snacks...

Here are some of My favorite snacks and foods I have recently become very attached too. The above is a picture of a snack/trail mix that I just can't get enough of. One of my favorite things in it are the dried cherries; it also has raisins, yogurt raisins, peanut butter chips, chocolate chips, almonds, peanuts, dried fruit, soy nuts, and probably a few other things! It is yummy! I mix a few things from the bulk health food section of fred meyer. Hope you enjoy the rest of my fav. healthy snacks!

Wheat thins are the perfect snack when paired with string cheese! Mmm... I usually get the reduced fat kind, but the hubby forgot when he picked these up. This is a daily snack for me!

When I found this specific brand of chai in this liquid form that you store in the refrigerator- it changed my life! I drink it hot in the morning, pretty much every morning- mixed with milk. Then for a super awesome twist I pour this magical drink into silicone ice cube trays and freeze. Sometimes in the afternoon or evenings when my boys are asleep, I make myself a special blended chai by processing the chai ice cubes in a cup of milk with my hand mixer. It is SO good. My favorite drink ever! It may even be better than coffee! maybe.

I first tried this soup at my mom's house. And honestly I'm not a big soup fan, but this is GOOD! My favorite way to have it is with actual chunks of roasted red pepper mixed in and topped with Parmesan cheese. I also love the easy store container and that I can heat one bowl portions at a time.

These are the best fruit bars ever! You can find them at Target and they are 100% fruit and have very few calories. (yet they hit the sweet craving too)! They are perfectly paired with raw almonds (as you can see in the next picture- don't you just want to eat that snack right now?) or great cut up and put in your morning cereal. I love having a few stored in my purse for me and my boys when we are on the go.

There are other flavors of course, but this pomegranate one is my favorite!

Let me know what some of your favorite snacks are and try some of mine. I like to try new things... things that I might not have ever thought of before or seen. Hope you will like some of my favorites!

Focus On The Good

March Madness Update:
Tonight I made my cat proud. As she lay curled up on the couch, my heart rate hit the ceiling and sweat poured out of every inch of my body. When I stopped for a "water break" I was so out of breath that I couldn't even get a mouth full. I wanted nothing more than to gulp down the entire glass and then some, but as it was, I only managed a few sips in between gasps. Though I only worked out four days this week, I upped the intensity by making my step three inches taller- which pretty much has me sweating in the first five minutes! I didn't realize what a difference a few inches would make... I've been using my son's stool that he uses in the bathroom to reach the sink. It's one of those dual purpose stools that changes into a kneeling station for giving kids baths. It's actually very handy. I got it as a baby shower gift and now I have found it's third purpose- aerobic step! The first two weeks I had been using it on the lower knee pad level because it gave me more room on top, but I think it is more effective doing it at the higher level. I don't thinkI have lost any weight yet (my numbers fluctuate 2-3 pounds on a regular basis), but I am seeing some change in my body!

I can't do it all:
Everyone is asleep at my house now. Even the cat is dosing off. There are a hundred things left to do... but I am trying to tell myself I can't do it all. I made a dent in the pile of dishes earlier, I'm not even going to discuss the laundry. The mail is still unopened (I'm avoiding it, only because I know it will be yet another thing for me be responsible for, another thing to file away, or write a check out to). The living room never got picked up... toys are still strewn about like no one cares, and the stacks that line my counter are all reminders of other responsibilities- things that need to get done- soon.
I'm telling myself it's okay. I'm telling myself to focus on all the good that happened today... I got to spend time with each of my boys one on one which almost never happens. I dropped Elijah off with daddy who had promised to get him a strawberry smoothie and take him to the park, while I played with the lovable laughable Owen! It's rare that I get to simply focus on him. It reminded me of when my days consisted of just me and Elijah. We laughed and found our bellies and ate goldfish crackers until nap time.
Later on in the evening I surprised Elijah with a new puzzle. (he is extremely good at puzzles- must get that from daddy)! It was a 24 piece of the very hungry caterpillar. He put it together pretty quickly, and also began quoting the book, which didn't at all surprise me. We sat together at the table. I was working on a new scrapbook project. Every 30 seconds he would ask, "mommy where do you think this piece goes?" just to see what I'd say. I kept answering, "where do you think?" sometimes giving him a hint, but he really knew where each piece went. Kids are funny like that.
I am grateful, though sometimes do feel guilty that I simply can't do it all. I am trying my best to do whatI feel is most important, isn't that all any of us can do? Maybe no one else will ever see my snail-like progress, and maybe my cat really isn't looking at me with pride, she's probably wondering why I would give up a bowl of icecream every night for stepping, jumping, and sweating infront of the T.V. Some days I don't know why either.