Plan To Be Spontaneous!

I love summer mornings… when it is still cooler outside than it is inside, dew sparkles in the blades of grass that need mowing, and everything looks and feels fresh. Most of all I think I like the idea that I get to start anew myself. I don’t know what is in store for us (which used to scare me to death- living without a schedule that is). Now it is exciting just to be. We never know where we’ll end up or what we might get a chance to do that day, and I’m beginning to really embrace that.
Martin and I discovered a new phrase that seems to encompass our lives so completely, “Plan to be Spontaneous!” I love it! Of course my instinct is to plan, plan, plan until I’ve worked out every detail, but sometimes that really sucks all the fun out of life. I’m learning to let things go.
Each day holds so many possibilities. Elijah and I were discussing all of the fun things to do in summer this morning. His favorites were: mowing the lawn with daddy (he loves pushing his toy mower exactly in step with daddy- it is one of the cutest things ever), going to the library, getting ice cream, and going to the beach to build sand castles! The conversation started in the garage. He noticed our sled in the corner and wanted to go sledding! I prodded him with questions trying to get him to connect that it was entirely the wrong season for that. It fascinates me the way kids think, though. They see something they want to do… and what should stop them? Certainly not lack of snow!
Today I am thankful for so many things! I thank God for my boys who teach me more about life and myself than I would ever know without them; I thank God for my husband who constantly surprises me with love and care that I don’t deserve; and I thank God for seasons that come to us with such detail we will never understand it all. What a blessed life… what a Love He has for us!

Tink's Last Day

Animals have a way of knowing when death is coming. They prepare in their own way for the end of their life. It is so unlike human nature. We fret and fight it with everything we have, denying and holding on. From what I have seen, the animals have it right. They usually go off on their own, away from everything to spend their last days in peace. What a way to go. If I knew it was coming, I’d like to spend my last days in peace, not fighting to stay here longer unnaturally. But that is a different conversation.

For some time now our cat, Tinkerbelle, has been getting sicker. Two weeks ago when we came back from a weekend trip to Seattle, she was looking very fragile indeed. Her appetite decreased so much that she barely ate anything at all. It was obvious she had lost a considerable amount of weight. It was shocking to see the numbers on the scale, though. She used to be a fat lazy cat weighing in at a healthy twelve pounds. Now she was diminished down to a mere seven and a half pounds (smaller than both of my boys birth weights)!
We finally took her to the Vet a few days ago. I was prepared to hear that she needed a new special diet, or maybe a vitamin for cats that would revive her. No, none of that would be needed. We were facing her last days. The Vet told us she had lymphoma in her stomach - which made it nearly impossible to eat. I wasn’t ready for this. Holding back tears, I didn’t want to accept it. Surely she couldn’t be dying… but then again all of the signs were there. She looked more haggard than I had ever seen her, and her escapes outside had been more frequent as well. We were all going to have to say good byes to our sweet Tinkerbelle… forever.
Nearly five years ago, Martin and I were still newlyweds living in Nebraska when we adopted Tinkerbelle from the “Cat Sanctuary.” She was our “baby” then. We brushed her nearly every day, I even gave her baths from time to time, and she greeted us much like a puppy went we came through the front door. She’s lived in every place that we have… there in our very first apartment, at my parents home when we moved in with them (both times), in our second apartment in Coeur d’Alene where we first brought Elijah home to, also in the house that we bought Owen home to (which was not our own- we were house-sitting rent free), and finally the house that has become her last home, the house that God blessed us with last spring.
I can’t help feeling that we are losing part of our family. I know how silly that sounds… she’s an animal right? They only live so long. I know, but she has given us so much. She’s tolerated two rambunctious boys poking, and prodding, and petting too enthusiastically. But more than that, she’s been a true companion. After the boys are in bed each night she finds her spot on the couch with me, or if I’m in bed reading, she is there too. In fact, whenever I am alone, she finds her way to me, as if to say, “I’m here for you, you are not alone.” She has been such a comfort to me especially in times of loneliness. That’s really the reason Martin agreed to get her five years ago. He had one more year of college to finish which meant cross-country and track meets on the weekends and LOTS of studying and school work in between. Tinkerbelle kept me company while he was away. She was something else I could love, and in return she loved me so unconditionally.
Today is her last day. It seems so strange to set a time to it. We considered letting her go in the wild somewhere, but it would be more pain and struggle for her that way, since she has no claws and can’t eat anything. So the date and time is set. Tonight at five-thirty we’ll drive to the Vet to say our last goodbyes.
We are truly going to miss you Tink! You have been a sweet part of our family.

Note: Did you know cats are the only animals that smile with their eyes?
I'm going to miss Tink's beautiful green eyes slanting into that happy "smile."

Reflections

The thing about having a lot of time alone is that it gives me too much time to think. This can be a good thing, but sometimes in the world of thoughts it is dangerous. On our own, what we think to be true may not be true at all, and living so internally isn't healthy. Some days this causes me to believe the negative twisted thoughts my mind has created, that I am worthless, hopeless, and life is meaningless. what a pit of despair! And of course all of those things would be true without Jesus.
With that realization I kind of have to smack myself in the face and say, "wake up!" Because I know if I let myself, my whole life could pass me by. I could miss everything if I let myself believe the lies.
All this reflection has made me see how ungrateful I've been. Yes, it's been a rough year, not just for me but for thousands. I've seen so many ups and downs this year it's made me dizzy. I miss my friends, my family, my "normal" life...whatever that is. But along the way I have missed some things- some really great things that I won't ever get back.
I never know when it's going to be a rough day. In fact every day I can pretty count on being challenging, but the great thing is with embracing that challenge I can find joy again.
A few nights ago it hit me hard. It had been a long day. elijah took a late nap, which meant he'd have an even later bedtime, and Owen woke up from already being in bed at around 8:30. I held Owen on the couch. He laid his head on my shoulder, just wanting to be held, I think. Elijah sat at the table coloring in his favorite Lightning Mcqueen coloring set. It was a moment, one I had imagined and dreamed of finding full of peace and joy and budding with contentment. I embraced it. After all how long had it been since Owen wanted to sit still long enough to cuddle? and elijah almost never sticks with one activity longer than twenty minutes. This was bliss. I had both of my beautiful children happy and glowing right within reach.

I don't want to miss anything else. I want to always act out of love and accept my circumstances instead of fighting them. Life is moving always faster than we can keep up with it, but for now I'm tired of the race. I'm simply ready to embrace my moments- whatever they may be.

Today, count your blessings with me. I'm sure your day will be better when you do!