Waves

I don't know that I can really be considered a real blogger since I only post something maybe a few times a month.  It's not that I don't want to, or even for lack of material, it's just that at this point in my life there are about a million things I will never get to. I see stacks of things that I am suppose to deal with, my house is completely cluttered and the disorder gets to me. Sometimes I start making lists, mostly just in my head, but some of them do get to paper, of the things I need to get done.  The things that I want to work on, improve, or even just what I want to do better at.

Somehow I find myself still in this sort of survival stage. I just get by usually with what is pressing. I do what is necessary and leave the rest. It shouldn't matter, right? But it bothers me. I want to do better. There are these strange moments in my day when extreme chaos occurs and I am lucky to even still be standing.  The day comes in these waves of craziness and then calm. Everyone demanding everything of me, and then nothing... a sleeping baby on my lap. Sometimes I don't know what to do.  I start to fluster over what I should be doing and then decide there is nothing better, that I should be doing just this, and it's okay.

It kind of reminds me of being in yearbook in high school.  The week of the deadline everything was absolutely crazy, kids sitting all over desks trying to perfect their last details, editing, copying, and pasting. And then the next week would be the polar opposite. We would all sit around bored talking about boyfriends and doing absolutely nothing. Busy, busy, busy... still. Over and over.

Now during my "still," I try not to feel guilty.  I try to just be satisfied. Why shouldn't I be? I have everything, absolutely everything. I love it, and I can't understand it, and I wonder why things are the way they are. I want to be the best mom I can be, I want to do so many things that are just beyond my limits for now.  But I also know there will be a later.  Right?  This is just a phase of my life.  The crazy will settle down and I will find some sort of rhythm.

So, I'm letting myself off the hook. If I can't blog more than twice a month, oh well.  If I don't do the laundry this week, we'll live.  If I find myself needing ice cream on a regular basis, well that is just my life right now.  And yeah, my wardrobe consists of my fat pants and sweats, and whatever top works for nursing ALL DAY long!