Two years, ago Martin found me crying in the closet. It was a Saturday morning, and I was trying to find something to wear. Nothing fit. William was only a couple months old, and it was getting too cold for my summer maternity clothes, besides the fact that I wanted desperately to be done with them! The frustration of it all mixed with my crazy hormones had me in a puddle on the floor, completely hopeless.
Then my sweet, good intention driven husband suggested we get some new clothes that would fit. To me that felt like more defeat. I wanted to fit into the clothes that were already in my closet, the clothes that belonged to my previous body. That however, couldn't possibly be a reality. The body I was in had other requirements. Constant access to the boobs, for one. Let's face it, not every shirt allows for that. Some of this was familiar, obviously. This was my third baby, it should be "old hat," right? Wrong. The emotions that came with dealing with all of this felt brand new, though I knew they would come and I knew the frustrations of nothing fitting, and wanting to be back to a size that fits into something with a waist. Still, the hopelessness was overwhelming.
Finally, I allowed Martin to coax me into going to a thrift store to look for something to wear. I felt too guilty buying new clothes for this weird in-between phase that my body was going through. This is by far the worst body phase. No longer looking cute pregnant, but kind of fat pregnant because the belly is still there and the extra pounds that have distributed themselves... everywhere haven't gone away.
The thrift store didn't really help. I actually felt more depressed, because I had to buy a size larger than I had ever bought before. I obviously couldn't shop in the maternity section anymore, so moving up in size was the only option. oy. that was tough! but I got through it. I guess I have always had some body issues, what woman doesn't?
On the good days, though, the days when I could stay in my sweats and recognize the beauty and the miracle of what my body had gone through, those were the days that got me through. I reminded myself that my body was strong, that for ten whole months it provided the perfect place for the little life that I now snuggled in my arms. The body that fit into nothing, also provided important nourishment all day long for the newest love in my life. After that, it was about giving myself grace and time. I let myself off the hook, forgot about what other people might be saying or thinking, and just loved being at home with my baby.
Eventually I started to fit into things again, but it has been a long, hard road. It has taken so much longer than it did with my other two! After Elijah, I hardly tried at all, and I was back to my high school weight before getting pregnant again with Owen. I guess, with each kid a little more weight hangs on to those hips and middle. After William, I stayed at the same weight that I was when he was six weeks old for nearly two years!
I wish I could go back in time and give myself advice. I guess that is why I am writing this post, and also in hopes of encouraging other women that it can be done, but it doesn't have to be done instantly! I would go back to that morning, that terrible morning when I felt like I would never again fit into anything, and I would sit next to myself and say, "you are a strong and beautiful mother, and you are exactly what you are suppose to be right now for your children." Sometimes, I think that is all we need to hear.
I think we also need to give each other a break. Why do we even think about making an effort to lose any weight in the first year after having a baby? I have found the best way to spend that year, is tackling all of those firsts with your baby, learning how to breastfeed, keep a sleep schedule, and your sanity. I wish that we didn't live in a society that cares so much about weight and appearances, because I too, am susceptible to it.
I am proud to say that two years later... I have decided to get my act together. About 6 weeks ago I changed my eating habits and I am on my way to a goal of health and fitness that I now feel is attainable. I have lost a few pounds, and I would love to sit next to that past self, and tell her the good news... just hang in there, two years from now you'll fit into those jeans, I promise!!! Ha ha ha!
Though some days we all feel bad about ourselves, that's only human, I think we can always encourage each other about our purpose, about the things that matter far more than fitting into a pair of jeans. Wherever you are on your motherhood journey, I wish you luck, and hope you won't ever have a morning spent crying in the closet over your beautiful body that has given life to someone. but if you do, I want to let you know, that it's okay. And it only gets better.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Saturday, October 11, 2014
The Gift of Christmas (yes, I'm talking about Christmas in October)!
What is it about Christmas that makes us feel all warm and cheery? I saw a row full of "Christmas" at Target today, and it unexpectedly made me long for that time of year that is just around the corner. The wreaths and the mistletoe, the red and green everything, the sparkly letters spelling out "Joy" or "Peace," it all made me sigh with sentimental delight.
Then I thought about why I love Christmas so much. For me, it's the time when everything slows down, for once. In my family growing up, Christmas break was really the best time of year because we were ALL on Christmas break. My parents taught school, so our breaks, were there breaks. It was truly a time of relaxing for everyone.
Some nights we would stay up eating ice cream out of jam jars and watching a good family movie, or playing one of the new board games we got for Christmas. We could sleep in, or wake up early to watch some cartoons, but whatever we did, we were together. The years that it snowed, we would take advantage. We didn't have all the gear that my kids get the privilege of having. I remember layering socks and pants, and then using a garbage bag to slide around on the snow. New Mexico rarely had enough snow to make a snow man, but one year, we got so much snow our Labrador got lost jumping in it! We built tunnels in the snow that year!
What else is it about Christmas that warms our hearts? Christmas morning is the best! Now if you try to think back to all the Christmas mornings you've had, I bet you can't remember every single gift you have received, but I bet you can remember how you felt. It's not really about the presents, despite what my kids tell me, it's the faces all around the room lit up with joy and love, those same words I saw sparkling back at me in the store this morning. I remember that slowed pace of Christmas morning. For our family it was never a rushed thing with paper flying everywhere. We gave each person a turn to be the center of attention. For some reason this made it seem more special and important. I especially loved watching my dad give gifts to my mom. One year he got her a new comforter for their bed. I think she was surprised, and I will never forget the blissful look on her face, like, wow he got it right this year... I love him so much!
I love pretty much everything about Christmas. The movies that come on every year that I have seen a zillion times. The music, which I might be listening to as I am writing this. The decorations!!! The snow, that comes at just the right time in this part of the country. The cozy days with a warm cup of something... coffee, cider, oh the possibilities! And of course, the opportunities that arise. Sometimes it's just an opening to talk about the greatest story ever told - our Savior! Sometimes it's the opportunity to help someone who's heart has been softened by the season, Sometimes it's those priceless conversations with my kids that happen because of something going on, or something they have heard.
I love the old traditions of my family and the way we grew up having Christmas, but I also love making new traditions with my little family. Sometimes it's hard to balance that, and fit in a visit with all sides of the families too, but in any case I can't help feeling the glow when I see those little hints of Christmas start to pop up. Some of you probably feel quite the opposite, and that's okay too. I'm home alone right now, and no one knows I'm listening to Christmas music and fantasizing about skipping right over Halloween and Thanksgiving just to get to that little piece of peace.
Someday my kids will look back the way that I do now, not remembering the gifts of Christmas, but I think they will remember the Gift of Christmas, and that is what really stirs up longings in me.
Some nights we would stay up eating ice cream out of jam jars and watching a good family movie, or playing one of the new board games we got for Christmas. We could sleep in, or wake up early to watch some cartoons, but whatever we did, we were together. The years that it snowed, we would take advantage. We didn't have all the gear that my kids get the privilege of having. I remember layering socks and pants, and then using a garbage bag to slide around on the snow. New Mexico rarely had enough snow to make a snow man, but one year, we got so much snow our Labrador got lost jumping in it! We built tunnels in the snow that year!
What else is it about Christmas that warms our hearts? Christmas morning is the best! Now if you try to think back to all the Christmas mornings you've had, I bet you can't remember every single gift you have received, but I bet you can remember how you felt. It's not really about the presents, despite what my kids tell me, it's the faces all around the room lit up with joy and love, those same words I saw sparkling back at me in the store this morning. I remember that slowed pace of Christmas morning. For our family it was never a rushed thing with paper flying everywhere. We gave each person a turn to be the center of attention. For some reason this made it seem more special and important. I especially loved watching my dad give gifts to my mom. One year he got her a new comforter for their bed. I think she was surprised, and I will never forget the blissful look on her face, like, wow he got it right this year... I love him so much!
I love pretty much everything about Christmas. The movies that come on every year that I have seen a zillion times. The music, which I might be listening to as I am writing this. The decorations!!! The snow, that comes at just the right time in this part of the country. The cozy days with a warm cup of something... coffee, cider, oh the possibilities! And of course, the opportunities that arise. Sometimes it's just an opening to talk about the greatest story ever told - our Savior! Sometimes it's the opportunity to help someone who's heart has been softened by the season, Sometimes it's those priceless conversations with my kids that happen because of something going on, or something they have heard.
I love the old traditions of my family and the way we grew up having Christmas, but I also love making new traditions with my little family. Sometimes it's hard to balance that, and fit in a visit with all sides of the families too, but in any case I can't help feeling the glow when I see those little hints of Christmas start to pop up. Some of you probably feel quite the opposite, and that's okay too. I'm home alone right now, and no one knows I'm listening to Christmas music and fantasizing about skipping right over Halloween and Thanksgiving just to get to that little piece of peace.
Someday my kids will look back the way that I do now, not remembering the gifts of Christmas, but I think they will remember the Gift of Christmas, and that is what really stirs up longings in me.
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