Two years, ago Martin found me crying in the closet. It was a Saturday morning, and I was trying to find something to wear. Nothing fit. William was only a couple months old, and it was getting too cold for my summer maternity clothes, besides the fact that I wanted desperately to be done with them! The frustration of it all mixed with my crazy hormones had me in a puddle on the floor, completely hopeless.
Then my sweet, good intention driven husband suggested we get some new clothes that would fit. To me that felt like more defeat. I wanted to fit into the clothes that were already in my closet, the clothes that belonged to my previous body. That however, couldn't possibly be a reality. The body I was in had other requirements. Constant access to the boobs, for one. Let's face it, not every shirt allows for that. Some of this was familiar, obviously. This was my third baby, it should be "old hat," right? Wrong. The emotions that came with dealing with all of this felt brand new, though I knew they would come and I knew the frustrations of nothing fitting, and wanting to be back to a size that fits into something with a waist. Still, the hopelessness was overwhelming.
Finally, I allowed Martin to coax me into going to a thrift store to look for something to wear. I felt too guilty buying new clothes for this weird in-between phase that my body was going through. This is by far the worst body phase. No longer looking cute pregnant, but kind of fat pregnant because the belly is still there and the extra pounds that have distributed themselves... everywhere haven't gone away.
The thrift store didn't really help. I actually felt more depressed, because I had to buy a size larger than I had ever bought before. I obviously couldn't shop in the maternity section anymore, so moving up in size was the only option. oy. that was tough! but I got through it. I guess I have always had some body issues, what woman doesn't?
On the good days, though, the days when I could stay in my sweats and recognize the beauty and the miracle of what my body had gone through, those were the days that got me through. I reminded myself that my body was strong, that for ten whole months it provided the perfect place for the little life that I now snuggled in my arms. The body that fit into nothing, also provided important nourishment all day long for the newest love in my life. After that, it was about giving myself grace and time. I let myself off the hook, forgot about what other people might be saying or thinking, and just loved being at home with my baby.
Eventually I started to fit into things again, but it has been a long, hard road. It has taken so much longer than it did with my other two! After Elijah, I hardly tried at all, and I was back to my high school weight before getting pregnant again with Owen. I guess, with each kid a little more weight hangs on to those hips and middle. After William, I stayed at the same weight that I was when he was six weeks old for nearly two years!
I wish I could go back in time and give myself advice. I guess that is why I am writing this post, and also in hopes of encouraging other women that it can be done, but it doesn't have to be done instantly! I would go back to that morning, that terrible morning when I felt like I would never again fit into anything, and I would sit next to myself and say, "you are a strong and beautiful mother, and you are exactly what you are suppose to be right now for your children." Sometimes, I think that is all we need to hear.
I think we also need to give each other a break. Why do we even think about making an effort to lose any weight in the first year after having a baby? I have found the best way to spend that year, is tackling all of those firsts with your baby, learning how to breastfeed, keep a sleep schedule, and your sanity. I wish that we didn't live in a society that cares so much about weight and appearances, because I too, am susceptible to it.
I am proud to say that two years later... I have decided to get my act together. About 6 weeks ago I changed my eating habits and I am on my way to a goal of health and fitness that I now feel is attainable. I have lost a few pounds, and I would love to sit next to that past self, and tell her the good news... just hang in there, two years from now you'll fit into those jeans, I promise!!! Ha ha ha!
Though some days we all feel bad about ourselves, that's only human, I think we can always encourage each other about our purpose, about the things that matter far more than fitting into a pair of jeans. Wherever you are on your motherhood journey, I wish you luck, and hope you won't ever have a morning spent crying in the closet over your beautiful body that has given life to someone. but if you do, I want to let you know, that it's okay. And it only gets better.
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