"Swimsuit Blues"

"I hate you swimsuit, oh yes I do; I hate you swimsuit, it's true!"

I am convinced that since the beginning of time, out of all the articles of clothing... women have struggled with the swimsuit most of all. What style, what color, are all the right parts covered, and then of course, does it make me look fat?
Since the age of twelve, I've been among the strugglers. I wasn't allowed to wear a two-piece then, but that wasn't the problem. I couldn't wait for my slim stick figure to turn curvy. Then, my blue velour one-piece with the yellow flowers made me feel young when I wanted to feel grown-up.

The next phase didn't come far behind- the phase of nothing looks good on me, I'll just cover it all up! (I may still be stuck in that phase... a little). I spent the majority of my teen years wearing what looked like a tank top and shorts to the beach. Which I don't regret in any way... in fact I'm glad I didn't have the nerve to wear an itty bitty bikini like some of my friends. Part of the swimwear problem is that inappropriate scrimps of material are passing off as accepted/expected beach attire.
I never could pull off the two-piece. Even the ones that were actually decent, well I couldn't bolster the confidence. I made two attempts. The first, I found at Target my freshmen year in college and dreamed about wearing it, and how if I just lost a few more pounds it would look perfect on me. It was sort of like a tube top- pink and black blocks of color. I convinced myself to buy it just before school let out for the summer. The only time I wore it was when I spent the day with my then boyfriend (who is now my hubby), climbing up to a waterfall. I wore shorts with it, but felt horribly self-conscience the entire time, and vowed to myself never to wear it again.

My second attempt was on my honey moon. I decided to buy my first ever bikini, hoping that only my new husband would see me in it. Those hopes were met, the two of us walked down to the hot tub at our hotel... and that is the only time that bikini ever saw the light of day (with a towel wrapped around most of my body).

So here we are again, summer is practically upon us. Swimsuits started glaring at us in January, oh the cruelty, now half of them are on clearance! I haven't bought one or been seen in one since the honey moon. Why bother? When we go to the beach I wear shorts or a sun dress, but there's that part of me that still wishes to find the perfect suit. One that hides all my bad parts and accentuates the good ones. (the few that are left after two babies).

I think I might just have a sickness- fear of swimsuits? if you don't already agree with me, you'll understand after this- So Target lured me in again. I was just minding my own business, buying the usual diapers when the swimsuits called out to me, "just take a look, a little gander... dream a little." "Why not?" I said to myself, oh yeah I also talk to myself, add that to the sickness list. I looked, I admired. And then on the clearance rack, she sang out to me, the perfect suit, or so I thought, a vintage fifties styled black and white polka-dotted one-piece! Half off... should I try it on? I did. The dim lighting hid most of my thunder-thighs, then it occurred to me, I could buy shorts to match! It was looking good. Okay, I'll do it. I bought the suit feeling very optimistic. It actually seemed like a good idea, I smiled all the way home about it, thinking about playing with the kids at the beach in my polka dots and little shorts with sailor stripes and anchors on them.

I returned the suit and shorts this morning. I know, what you're thinking- sickness. It's true. I tried them on when I got home. What was I thinking? It didn't look good on me. But what swimsuit does, or ever will. So I'm back to tanks, shorts and sun-dresses this summer. What about you? Are you crazy like me with insecurities so great you hide behind regular clothes? Or maybe we're all in this together, a little insecure here and there. We all want to look and feel great, so what's
the big deal?