Searching

What is the worst thing that could happen?

Did you think of something? Something awful?

Your fears are most likely different from mine, but I think we all share certain needs. Some things are part of our very core, and the thought of losing them, well that is downright fearfull.

I had a dream the other night (note: if you're one of those people who hate hearing dreams, sorry)... that I couldn't remember who I was. I didn't know my own name. I didn't know where I was, or any of the other people around me, and worse than that, none of them knew me either. You might think, it's just a silly dream, but it really shook me.

I think that is one of the worst things that could happen... not THE worst, no having a soul and not knowing it's name, isn't really bad when compared to the true evils in life. It's only scary. I can't imagine not remembering the people I love, or vice versa.

It made me think, though. I guess I'm at that age where I'm constantly trying to figure things out. Who am I, really? Why am I here? What's God's purpose for me? Am I really worth anything at all? Would people notice if I went missing. What if I did wake up one day without concept of my identity, what then? Would I still search God out? Would my soul still feel Him breathing through me like the wind on a summer evening?

I felt Him tonight. I was sitting on my back porch, crying to myself sort of. Why I was crying, well, I don't even really know. Dinner didn't turn out well, and there was noodles an sauce all over the floor, among other things. I just felt overwhelmed I guess. Martin was starting the boys' baths, so I took a moment to center myself.

It was calm and beautiful out there, the sun doing it's dance on the tall grass, and the breeze- just right. I let my head sink into my knees and whispered, "Am I alone?" and then out of no where, a big gust of wind covered me, blew the tears in my face and my mouth curled up slightly, for I got my answer.

He knows me even when I don't know myself. And He'll know me til the end. I'm still searching. Maybe I always will be, but at least I'm not alone.