If you know me well, you might know that I am fairly indecisive. This of course drives my husband crazy! "What do you want... just pick something!" He'll say after I've spent ten minutes going back and forth on an incredibly life altering decision like choosing which flavor of ice cream to get, or what sandwich to order. Due to this "character flaw" I have learned it's easier to stick with things that I already know will work for me. I no longer take chances on trying new flavors at the coffee shop; I get my favorite because it's the best- I know I will love it and I don't have to irritate Martin by weighing out the pros and cons of trying one of the specials. I've tried to use this tactic in all areas of my life to make things easier, but sometimes there just isn't an easy way out. You really have to weigh the pros and cons to come to a reasonable decision, which brings me to a decision I have been thinking about every day for months now.
First of all, I would like to say this is going to sound fairly silly and you might think I am totally ridiculous after reading my thoughts on how I am coming on this particular decision. You see, family planning has come to us in a sort of backwards manner (which is exactly what I am struggling with presently). We started out pregnant, six months into our marriage. It was a God-given surprise that led us on a path we hadn't planned for ourselves. We had always talked about having two or three kids... well now the question is blinking in front of my face every day like a neon add "Two or Three?" How do you know when your family is complete, when is it time to do something permanent?
I thought I knew. When I was pregnant the last time around, we had decided that if it was a girl we'd leave the option open to try again for a third child, but if it was a boy, we'd be done (the thought of possibly having three boys just seemed completely overwhelming to me at the time). Now we have two wonderful beautiful boys, and I am as I should have expected riding the fence about having another one.
Some days it's easy to go along with the already decided plan to be done having kids. It's definitely the more financially smart thing to do in our current situation. I can easily picture our family of four going on vacations together- everyone has their own window and we don't have to do crowd control because we aren't out numbered. I hold one child's hand and Martin holds the other's.
I also sort of like the idea of being the only lady in the house. I dream of days not too far off when I will send the boys off on a fishing trip and I will stay at home for a weekend of pampering or a girls night in.
Then there's the other issue of my sanity. Many days I feel like: how in the world would anyone handle more than two? Of course, I know many who have pulled it off beautifully, my mom included (in fact if she would have stopped at two, I wouldn't exist)! But that still doesn't make it the right decision for me.
So what does?
Certainly the fact that I have several beautiful baby girl names picked out that I may never get to use, is at the top of the list of not being a good reason to have another baby (at least that's what I am telling myself). My other reasons are like it: I notice pregnant women and babies everywhere I go and feel this strange aching in my stomach... maybe it's my heart. I usually remind myself that those parts of my life are over. I come up with some logical, reasonable thing to comfort myself like: now I can help other mommies and love on other babies... oh yeah and I can give even more love to the wonderful babies I already have!
My feelings on this matter change from day to day, and some days, hour to hour. Sometimes I can look at the sweet children God has given me and smile with feelings of contentment. (this usually happens when they are asleep or behaving exceptionally well) - "This is it, this is 'us,'" I think. But then again, what if it isn't?
So here's the list:
pros:
okay so it's really hard to put down what having a baby means on paper (but did you notice the photo at the beginning of this blog?...do I really need to write on?
Here are some words and thoughts that come to mind:
-joy
-being part of, and actively seeing a miracle
-feeling the presence of God
-life
-giggles
-cuddles
-seeing part you, part of the one you love, and a little bit of family here and there, all complied into one of God's most beautiful creations- your baby!
-pure love
-adventure
-lessons you can learn no other way
-afternoons of laying on the couch holding your bundle and thinking of nothing else
-a new friend for life (not just for you, but for siblings and many others)
-a new soul to teach and nurture
-tickles-laughter-playtime
-family
-I already have some great baby names picked out
- I already know how to change a diaper (which I can also do successfully in the back hatch of our car in the rain), and I can randomly and convincingly make up songs to go along with any emergency (such as cleaning up toys, going to bed, or learning to use the potty)
-the house is baby-proofed
-we have lots of baby things... toys, clothes, a crib etc.
-I'm still young- this year I'll be turning 25, which gives me plenty of time for another baby
-I have some kind of yearning that may or may not go away
-(warning: this one is a bit silly and surprising) I love the experience of pregnancy and birth. It is something only we can do as women and it is phenomenal and empowering and amazing.
cons:
these things are a little more tangible, which is why a decision like this is so difficult...
-we have a small three bedroom house (perfect for a family of four)
-I may finally be back to my pre-pregnancy weight and size (well as close as I'm going to get)
-our adult to child ratio is equal with two -another one may feel like juggling
-pregnancy, birth, sleep training, breast-feeding, potting training... etc... ALL OVER AGAIN! (of course most of these could also go on the pro list depending on how you look at it)
-most men would put this at the top of the list- finances- can we afford another one?
-emotionally- another one could just send me over the top... I'm not always stable as it is
-I get a full nights sleep on a regular basis- I'm not sure I can give that up again
-we also have a reliable schedule -I know when to expect naptimes, mealtimes, and playtimes
-it's quite possible that three car seats won't fit in our car
-I like having two boys- this could be it- and I could be completely satisfied
-I'm also not sure what I'd do with a girl, if we did have a girl, but then again, I'm still not sure what I'd do with three boys... I may never have a clean house or food in the refrigerator if that were to happen
I will probably think of more that I should have added to these lists... and maybe I will inform you of those thoughts later on. For now I still don't know where God will take our family, if he will add to it, or if this really is it. But I am finally allowing myself the option to consider it being okay to want another one. This all may sound crazy and backwards and incredibly indecisive, but that's me. I rarely think about anything for a only a fleeting moment... and this could be something that changes the rest of my life.
Let me know how you decided... or give me some ideas on when you know if your family is complete...
