If you know me well, you might know that I am fairly indecisive. This of course drives my husband crazy! "What do you want... just pick something!" He'll say after I've spent ten minutes going back and forth on an incredibly life altering decision like choosing which flavor of ice cream to get, or what sandwich to order. Due to this "character flaw" I have learned it's easier to stick with things that I already know will work for me. I no longer take chances on trying new flavors at the coffee shop; I get my favorite because it's the best- I know I will love it and I don't have to irritate Martin by weighing out the pros and cons of trying one of the specials. I've tried to use this tactic in all areas of my life to make things easier, but sometimes there just isn't an easy way out. You really have to weigh the pros and cons to come to a reasonable decision, which brings me to a decision I have been thinking about every day for months now.
First of all, I would like to say this is going to sound fairly silly and you might think I am totally ridiculous after reading my thoughts on how I am coming on this particular decision. You see, family planning has come to us in a sort of backwards manner (which is exactly what I am struggling with presently). We started out pregnant, six months into our marriage. It was a God-given surprise that led us on a path we hadn't planned for ourselves. We had always talked about having two or three kids... well now the question is blinking in front of my face every day like a neon add "Two or Three?" How do you know when your family is complete, when is it time to do something permanent?
I thought I knew. When I was pregnant the last time around, we had decided that if it was a girl we'd leave the option open to try again for a third child, but if it was a boy, we'd be done (the thought of possibly having three boys just seemed completely overwhelming to me at the time). Now we have two wonderful beautiful boys, and I am as I should have expected riding the fence about having another one.
Some days it's easy to go along with the already decided plan to be done having kids. It's definitely the more financially smart thing to do in our current situation. I can easily picture our family of four going on vacations together- everyone has their own window and we don't have to do crowd control because we aren't out numbered. I hold one child's hand and Martin holds the other's.
I also sort of like the idea of being the only lady in the house. I dream of days not too far off when I will send the boys off on a fishing trip and I will stay at home for a weekend of pampering or a girls night in.
Then there's the other issue of my sanity. Many days I feel like: how in the world would anyone handle more than two? Of course, I know many who have pulled it off beautifully, my mom included (in fact if she would have stopped at two, I wouldn't exist)! But that still doesn't make it the right decision for me.
So what does?
Certainly the fact that I have several beautiful baby girl names picked out that I may never get to use, is at the top of the list of not being a good reason to have another baby (at least that's what I am telling myself). My other reasons are like it: I notice pregnant women and babies everywhere I go and feel this strange aching in my stomach... maybe it's my heart. I usually remind myself that those parts of my life are over. I come up with some logical, reasonable thing to comfort myself like: now I can help other mommies and love on other babies... oh yeah and I can give even more love to the wonderful babies I already have!
My feelings on this matter change from day to day, and some days, hour to hour. Sometimes I can look at the sweet children God has given me and smile with feelings of contentment. (this usually happens when they are asleep or behaving exceptionally well) - "This is it, this is 'us,'" I think. But then again, what if it isn't?
So here's the list:
pros:
okay so it's really hard to put down what having a baby means on paper (but did you notice the photo at the beginning of this blog?...do I really need to write on?
Here are some words and thoughts that come to mind:
-joy
-being part of, and actively seeing a miracle
-feeling the presence of God
-life
-giggles
-cuddles
-seeing part you, part of the one you love, and a little bit of family here and there, all complied into one of God's most beautiful creations- your baby!
-pure love
-adventure
-lessons you can learn no other way
-afternoons of laying on the couch holding your bundle and thinking of nothing else
-a new friend for life (not just for you, but for siblings and many others)
-a new soul to teach and nurture
-tickles-laughter-playtime
-family
-I already have some great baby names picked out
- I already know how to change a diaper (which I can also do successfully in the back hatch of our car in the rain), and I can randomly and convincingly make up songs to go along with any emergency (such as cleaning up toys, going to bed, or learning to use the potty)
-the house is baby-proofed
-we have lots of baby things... toys, clothes, a crib etc.
-I'm still young- this year I'll be turning 25, which gives me plenty of time for another baby
-I have some kind of yearning that may or may not go away
-(warning: this one is a bit silly and surprising) I love the experience of pregnancy and birth. It is something only we can do as women and it is phenomenal and empowering and amazing.
cons:
these things are a little more tangible, which is why a decision like this is so difficult...
-we have a small three bedroom house (perfect for a family of four)
-I may finally be back to my pre-pregnancy weight and size (well as close as I'm going to get)
-our adult to child ratio is equal with two -another one may feel like juggling
-pregnancy, birth, sleep training, breast-feeding, potting training... etc... ALL OVER AGAIN! (of course most of these could also go on the pro list depending on how you look at it)
-most men would put this at the top of the list- finances- can we afford another one?
-emotionally- another one could just send me over the top... I'm not always stable as it is
-I get a full nights sleep on a regular basis- I'm not sure I can give that up again
-we also have a reliable schedule -I know when to expect naptimes, mealtimes, and playtimes
-it's quite possible that three car seats won't fit in our car
-I like having two boys- this could be it- and I could be completely satisfied
-I'm also not sure what I'd do with a girl, if we did have a girl, but then again, I'm still not sure what I'd do with three boys... I may never have a clean house or food in the refrigerator if that were to happen
I will probably think of more that I should have added to these lists... and maybe I will inform you of those thoughts later on. For now I still don't know where God will take our family, if he will add to it, or if this really is it. But I am finally allowing myself the option to consider it being okay to want another one. This all may sound crazy and backwards and incredibly indecisive, but that's me. I rarely think about anything for a only a fleeting moment... and this could be something that changes the rest of my life.
Let me know how you decided... or give me some ideas on when you know if your family is complete...
I can't help you much with this one as I don't have any kids of my own yet. I can, however, empathize with the longing you feel whenever you see another baby or pregnant momma. Although we don't have any babies yet, Scott and I set up goals to work toward that will help prepare us for parenthood. Maybe that could help you. For example, we wanted to have a newer and safer car, good health insurance, and at least a couple thousand dollars saved up to cover furniture costs etc. Let me ask you this: if you could set up reasonable goals to accomplish in the next couple years that would knock some of the cons off your list, would that change anything for you? You could have goals such as getting a work-from-home job, maybe as a nanny. This would help you with the finances and be a dry run to see if you really felt like three was a juggling act or if you find you adapt really well to it. You could let Elijah and Owen room together temporarily to see if they'd do well sharing a room. I'll be praying for you. Trying to decide when to start/expand/complete a family is always a difficult decision. Love you Kel, and if you ever want to talk, I'm here!
ReplyDeleteI'm with you...some days I want a million bebes and some days I do NOT! :)
ReplyDeleteI've been trying to convince Adam that four is a good number. He is not easily convinced on #4.
I think your list is reasonable. I think those are things that are on most ladies lists when they think about it. I guess when I think about it I always think years in advance and I see my children as adults, home for Christmas, playing scrabble & cribbage. I want a full house of family singing carols. I know that may sound crazy but it is just one of the things that make me want bebes, bebes and more bebes.
God knows better than we do. He will give you the perfect family for you.
Jim and I have it easy because from the start we've said we wanted four. FOUR! And by the time we have four... goodness gracious I hope I feel DONE! :)
ReplyDeleteI've heard from several sources that the third child is the easiest to incorporate into the family. The first is a HUGE adjustment, the second is just as big... but I've heard that for some phenomenal reason the third comes easier. Hmmm... I wonder....
I know how it is when you only have one gender and can't imagine what the other would be like. I've always said I want two girls and two boys, but I can't even picture what a baby boy would be like. Not that I think girls and boys are all that drastically different, but it's the big UNKNOWN. But I can assure you that you'd do great as a mother of three boys (my mother in law is a mother of three boys and Jim is the youngest). And you'd also do great with a little girl. Just imagine those spa days at home with a little girl to play with. You could curl her hair and paint her nails and teach her how to put on make up. It's funny how sometimes I think I want some alone time in a coffee shop by myself... but when it actually comes down to it, I think "Well it wouldn't be any fun without Lily there with me!"
Anyway, I'm not trying to convince you to have another baby or anything (I mean, it's not like I want Grace to have a nursery buddy or anything) :) but if you did decide to go that route, you wouldn't regret it.
Like Ada said, I think your pros and cons lists are full of all the things that are good to consider when deciding how big your family should be. You are a great mom, Kelly, and however many children you have will be blessed to learn from you and be loved by you!
ReplyDeleteI would just add that before you make your decision not to have more kids medically permanent (I don't know if that's what you're considering or not), wait until you're absolutely 100% sure that you're done. Up until that point, you can always change your mind, and it sounds like your heart is already stretching out to the possibility of having another one. And, like Alyson said, you would never regret it. God has an amazing way of working things out.
It was probably easier for Paul and I to decide. After having three of the seven cousins on his side diagnosed with autistic spectrum disorders, that weighed pretty heavily in our decision to stop at two. Also, I definitely felt that "complete" feeling you were talking about after Caleb came along. It felt like, "Well, here we are: the Swaims!" I think you just have to follow your heart and let God bless you with all that He has in mind for you. He'll take care of the other stuff. :)
I've been wondering myself when the longing for more babies stops. I'm 38 and still have moments when I ache for more. Our family planning may seem strange to those outside, but for us it's perfect. I was 27 and had been married 7 years when Josh was born. Then Adam was born only 19 months later. We thought we were done and were perfectly happy. But when Adam was 4, I started feeling that we were supposed to have more kids. I prayed and prayed about it. "Really, God? Really?" But no matter what I did, the feeling in my heart did not go away. So finally I talked to Arrty about it figuring he'd say no way and I could forget about it. But he said that if I felt that strongly, it was supposed to be. We decided to wait until Adam started kindergarten to start trying so that I could be his teacher that year. But that's when I had my car accident and wasn't ready physically or mentally to get pregnant. It wasn't until two years later that I had Julianna. I was 36 when she was born. We had known then that she would be the last. Mostly because of my age. But I will be forever grateful to God for putting her in my heart before he put her in my belly. I can't imagine my life without her and I wouldn't do any of it differently. I love the age difference between the boys and Jules. And I love being an older mom. So you really have a lot of options if you choose to have another baby. I know none of that helps in your decision. It's one of the hardest ones we've ever made. So I guess my advice is to pray and pray some more to see if you, too, have a baby in your heart like I did.
ReplyDeleteReading all of your comments has brought me comfort that at least I am not alone in this struggle. I love the way Jen put it about "having a baby in your heart." I'm still uncertain; I think it is going to take some time and like many of you suggested lots of prayer. But for now, as in this very moment, two is good- very good. We may not be done having babies. I'm leaving my options open for the future, and that's the best I can do. I can wait and see what God has planned for us. Maybe when Owen is four or five another little joy will come along... Ahhh those are sweet thoughts!
ReplyDeleteAfter talking with Martin about this he feels strongly that now is not a good time for another one. I decided to agree with him, for now... but I'm not giving up. Later is good and still a possibility. Thank you all for your input. It is so wonderful to have you all.. your words, thoughts, and wise insights!