When A Baby Becomes A Toddler

          When does a baby become a toddler?  This is a most sneaky transition. One minute you are holding a snuggly bundle in your arms, and the next that bundle is traipsing through the house exploring every nook and cranny.  Childhood in it's purest definition is a series of seamless transitions made up of learning, growing, and changing. You can't quite declare the exact moment the transformation happens. It feels like a blink, a single breath escaping from your lips, and then it's over.  Your baby isn't quite a baby anymore.  Those sleepless nights you thought would never end, have vanished and there is an unexpected sadness mixed with joy. You've survived, and your baby is growing up.

          I feel like just yesterday we were bringing William home.  Though he was our biggest baby of the three, weighing in at 9lbs. and 13oz., he still felt itty bitty, the way all newborns do. It was one of the happiest days of my life, looking back at that precious little package in his brand new car seat, sleeping soundly.  His big brothers were still spending the day with Grandma and Papa, so it was just us.  When we got home, I gave him a "tour." It was his first time seeing the place, so I thought he should know his way around. I felt overwhelmed with pride showing him his very own room. "This is for you," I told him. "I'll tell you stories in that rocking chair, and sing to you. And sometimes we'll just sit there so I can look at you and tell you  that I love you. We'll snuggle and share many special moments together. Those are all your books up there on that shelf. Most of them are from Grandma, she's kind of a book fanatic." After I finished showing him his room, we looked at his big brother's room, and the rest of the house, then we snuggled down for a good feeding.
           I will never forget those first expressions of pure contentment. I love that "drunk-baby" look newborns get when they are nursing.  That first night was perfect, not that it didn't have it's challenges, but we had finally brought home the last member of our family, and all was good. That first week he spent mostly in just a diaper.  He had jaundice and it was late August, so we tried to let the sunlight seep into his sweet baby skin. Even at night, he slept next to me in just his diaper; I rubbed his smooth little back until he fell asleep.
          I think of those days often, now.  Especially when William begs to get up on that same bed so we can wrestle. He moves as fast as his monkey legs can carry him as soon as sees our bedroom door open and bolts for the side of the bed where he bangs his little arms until I give him a boost up.  Then it's all crawling, climbing and giggles. He loves to be tickled, and this has become our little game. Him, bolting for the bed, me, pretending I can't catch him until I tackle him gently on the bed and tickle him until he is breathing hard with laughter!
          It's true, this baby has morphed into a toddler somehow. He's shown all the signs, almost humorous fits of kicking and arm flinging when he doesn't get his way, destruction of all things in his path, and the requirement of constant snacks. The only sign this toddler has failed to show is to actually toddle. He'll be 18 months on the 22nd and has only taken a few steps here and there. I guess that means he's about 95% toddler. I'll hang hang on to that baby-ness as long as I can!
          Slowly it's been slipping away, but I cherish every cuddle and kiss. Last Sunday, William fell asleep on Martin, which is quite a rarity now.  I whispered to him that it may be the last time he does that.  William was snoring loud enough for probably a few rows around us to hear. And every time his little lip went in and out, a little spit bubble formed! Sigh... so precious. He may be growing up, but he'll always be my baby!

Reflections

The thing about having a lot of time alone is that it gives me too much time to think. This can be a good thing, but sometimes in the world of thoughts it is dangerous. On our own, what we think to be true may not be true at all, and living so internally isn't healthy. Some days this causes me to believe the negative twisted thoughts my mind has created, that I am worthless, hopeless, and life is meaningless. what a pit of despair! And of course all of those things would be true without Jesus.
With that realization I kind of have to smack myself in the face and say, "wake up!" Because I know if I let myself, my whole life could pass me by. I could miss everything if I let myself believe the lies.
All this reflection has made me see how ungrateful I've been. Yes, it's been a rough year, not just for me but for thousands. I've seen so many ups and downs this year it's made me dizzy. I miss my friends, my family, my "normal" life...whatever that is. But along the way I have missed some things- some really great things that I won't ever get back.
I never know when it's going to be a rough day. In fact every day I can pretty count on being challenging, but the great thing is with embracing that challenge I can find joy again.
A few nights ago it hit me hard. It had been a long day. elijah took a late nap, which meant he'd have an even later bedtime, and Owen woke up from already being in bed at around 8:30. I held Owen on the couch. He laid his head on my shoulder, just wanting to be held, I think. Elijah sat at the table coloring in his favorite Lightning Mcqueen coloring set. It was a moment, one I had imagined and dreamed of finding full of peace and joy and budding with contentment. I embraced it. After all how long had it been since Owen wanted to sit still long enough to cuddle? and elijah almost never sticks with one activity longer than twenty minutes. This was bliss. I had both of my beautiful children happy and glowing right within reach.

I don't want to miss anything else. I want to always act out of love and accept my circumstances instead of fighting them. Life is moving always faster than we can keep up with it, but for now I'm tired of the race. I'm simply ready to embrace my moments- whatever they may be.

Today, count your blessings with me. I'm sure your day will be better when you do!