From Book To Book!

Last year took me on many adventures… and thankfully not all of them happened to me in “real life.” Though there were natural challenges and struggles of having a husband working the nightshift, I chose to look for distractions and positivity wherever I could. I found just that in books. I let myself get lost in reading, become addicted in nearly a true sense on the word. As soon as I’d finished one book I’d become hungry for something new to occupy that empty space left behind.
Right before the New Year, I had decided that I needed to read more; well I just wanted to read more. With the time then available… a goal was set in place: I would read a least one new book every month. This was a good goal, not too overwhelming; it felt attainable -even compared with most years in which I read only four books, maybe. I knew this goal was my destiny when I received what would become the first book on my list as a Christmas present from a very dear friend (thanks Adrienne- Sisterchicks-Say Ooh La La! Started my year and my reading goal off with powerful positivity and encouragement)! And that was it, after reading through that first book, I went right on to another one. Soon I was searching… I had to fill the time right before bed with luxurious fiction (you will notice on the booklist below, that I read only one non-fiction book this year, which was also incredible, but there’s nothing like a good dose of fiction to make you forget all about the mundane problems in your own life).
Somewhere in the summer, I surpassed what would have been the whole year’s worth of books, had I been sticking with one per month! I can’t explain the drive, the thrill of adventure I allowed myself to indulge in. Sailing from one book to the next like a ship on oceans made with words of velvet. What a ride it has been!
So, thank you Nightshift… for this habit has been a long time coming; it may have never happened with Martin home continuing our old routine. Though now he is home some nights, and guess what… I’m not reading quite so much. But the trade off is a good one. I think I’ll keep my goal at one book per month, especially now that I have my husband back for the most part.
And now for the actual list… I want you to know that I’m not bragging, but I’m simply proud of myself for accomplishing a goal, stomping my own expectations into the ground and rising above what I truly thought myself capable of. You will notice certain trends as you read through the list. I will read anything by Nicholas Sparks, for instance. Also I re-read the Twilight Saga not just because I love it so much, but it’s a personal thing that whenever a movie comes out I like to freshen myself up with the book right beforehand. It’s just so much more enjoyable and rewarding that way. I’ve also always been curious about “those Harry Potter books.” Everyone who reads them always swears by them. If there was ever any year I was going to accomplish all seven of them this was going to be the year… and I did it I really did it, and to top it all off the first part of Deathly Hallows came out in theatres just two months after I had completed the final installment!
I guess, the only other obvious trend would be that I have sort of a thing for romance. And not so obvious…mystery.
I hope you enjoy seeing what I’ve read this year. Maybe it will inspire you to break open a new adventure, romance, or mystery. I can recommend everything on this list, though you may want to inquire for specifics… (I would have written a book review for each title, but I thought that would have made for MUCH too long a blog seeing how this one is fairly lengthy as it is). However, I will make two short recommendations excluding the Twilight Saga, and Harry Potter because we all know those get enough hype of their own. So in saying that I have to tell you I absolutely loved “The Wedding,” and not for the usual reasons. I wish I could convince m dad to read it, or every man for that matter. So here’s the scoop: man and wife have been married thirty years. It’s been a good, functional marriage, but he’s not romantic. The question is, can a man change? I won’t say more than that in fear of ruining anything (hate it when people do that). If you read nothing else on this list, read that one… or “The Choice.” And please, please, give me some new recommendations… for I am running dry.

Books I’ve Read This Year (2010)

1 SISTERCHICKS: Say Ooh La La! (Robin Jones Gunn)

2--P.S. I Love You (Cecilia Ahern)

3-Dear John (Nicholas Sparks)

4-The Time Traveler’s Wife (Audrey Niffenegger)

5-Twilight (reread) (Stepehenie Meyer)

6-New Moon (reread) (Stephenie Meyer)

7-The Choice (Nicholas Sparks)

8-Eclipse (reread) (Stephanie Meyer)

9-The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner (Stephanie Meyer)

10-Breaking Dawn (Stephanie Meyer)

11-Harry Potter and the sorcerer’s stone (J.K. Rowlings)

12-Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (J.K. Rowlings)

13-Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (J.K. Rowlings)

14-Bird By Bird (Anne Lamott)

15- The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)

16- Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (J.K. Rowlings)

17. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (J.K. Rowlings)

18. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (J.K Rowlings)

19. The Wedding (Nicholas Sparks)

20. Towards Zero (Agatha Christie)

21. Emma (Jane Austen)

The Power of Words

I'm a person who loves meaningful words, you know, quotes... catchy phrases... words that ring true and apply to my life directly in some way. Finding these words in unexpected places makes my day: on license plates (things like LVNLIFE) on window displays, especially now (spread the joy), and today on my coffee sleeve (Stories are gifts. Share yours). That is so true; some of the stories I have been told have been the best gifts. Which goes to show that words are powerful and how you express them is important. And Bonus: they are FREE!
I wish that I had the means to travel the world and share meaningful words with everyone, not just the silly little things that someone can print on a coffee sleeve, even though for me those little things help, but what if positivity and hope could be spread to everyone? What if the whole world smiled at the same time? I think we'd be able to feel it. Mmmm how wonderful that would be... impossible, but wonderful. Maybe heaven will be like that, like one huge heart warming smile, bursting with light and joy and love.
It helps to think about positive things, and to remember that this isn't the end. My story is only just beginning. I need to do better. Better at what? Well, I have a long list, but every time I see simple meaningful words I'm convicted just a tad. They prick my heart and I have to say, oh yeah... life is good...I do have hope... I do have joy... I am blessed... I am chosen... I am loved. If it stopped there it wouldn't mean much, but like I said i am trying to do better. those reminders tell me to encourage others in the same way. there are so many people in my life that need to hear me say those things: I love you, you bring me joy, you strengthen my hope, you are special, you make my life better, your story has changed me.
Sometimes things go unsaid. We overestimate how good we are at communicating. Or maybe it just sounds too cheesy to say those kinds of things out loud. But what if they never get said?
I really believe words can change the world. Because after all, if you have to choose between your belly and your soul getting fed, the latter will always be more important.
Tell someone today what they really mean to you, and take every opportunity to encourage.

"The right word spoken at the right time is as beautiful as gold apples in a silver bowl." Proverbs 25:11 (New Century Version)

A Simple Gift

I'm sitting in my mom's living room watching the snow gently fall, giving the great maple tree a layer of white dust. It's the kind of scene you see in pictures and Christmas cards. In the fore-ground there is the great snowy tree, and in the back-ground snow-covered rooftops, street lamps,and parked cars just waiting. Everything is still. No one wants to move, to be out in this cold beauty. I love everything about it. The way the snow falls like magic from the heavens, the way it makes me feel like snuggling up with a blanket... in all it's simplicity it reminds me of my creator. I am in awe. I have no words to describe the way I feel when I see a mountain covered in fresh snow with the sun glistening amongst the tree-tops. It's overwhelming, powerful, majestic to live where we live to see what we see.
My parents' house is surrounded by trees; my dad often calls it a tree house. And it feels that way from the inside because out every window there are leaves and branches..well now most of the leaves have fallen, only a few are hanging on for dear life. The green of summer has been replaced by winter's white. Both bring comfort in different ways, but for many the white represents peace and a season of coziness.
This house has always brought me comfort no matter the season. My family moved into it when I was nine, and I envision my parents growing old here. It will always be the place I come back to. Even when no one is here, I can feel their presence. I look around and see a hundred memories. I feel my mother's love in all the little things she has left there... things she's placed on the walls, put out on the coffee table. I know, I'm a little overly sentimental, but I try to see that as a strength. I also know that not everyone has a place like this where years of memories will always be preserved, or even a place where loved ones gather just to be.
I had an experience last week that just broke my heart. I saw the reality of the times we are living in at a food bank. The room was packed, you couldn't move. Everyone is in need, and it's not getting any better. I don't know how or when things will change, but I do know every little bit helps, and we are all in this together. Give what you have, and don't be afraid to accept help from others either. Our communities need love now more than ever... isn't that all anyone is looking for? You, me... we all want to be accepted for who we are right now. We want to be loved despite our short comings and defects whether we have anything to give or we are broken and at the end of our road. People are people.
Now as I see the snow silently falling out my parent's front window I am more grateful than I have ever been. I have a place, I am loved. I am filled again so that maybe I can go out and share this gift with others. I don't have money, but I have eyes, and ears, and a heart: to see, hear, and love someone. What do you have to give?

Cake and a Good Movie

First of all, I have to apoligize for my last blog; it was a little whiny. So to all of you who read it, thanks for bearing with me. And of course, I did have a wonderful birthday, despite my negative expectations.
Yesterday my mom took me out shopping and bought me a lovely birthday sweater dress and matching accessories! Thanks mom, you are amazing! Oh yeah, and the coffee lifted my day too!
Today I got to wear the planned birthday outfit, which looked mostly good, except I'm not completely satisfied with the way it accetuated my middle. For some reason I just can't seem to get those rolls to go away... any ways...
After church, I spent the day with my family. We had lunch together. Martin surprised me with a special desert- some fancy chocolate layered slice of heaven, complete with just the right amount of whipped cream and chocolate shavings to make it have that "I'm special appeal." He popped a candle in it and Elijah started the "happy birthday" song. That was one of my favorite parts... and when Elijah said, daddy's your friend, and my daddy."
My next surprise was a beautiful ivory coat from Martin. I'd tried it on about a month ago, and he remembered! It's so soft and the inside is like satin. Of course, this means I have to get rid of my red one that I bought last winter, but that's all right. It's actually a good thing because last winter I was fifteen pounds heavier, so now that coat doesn't quite fit right. Yay! Hopefully I can maintain my current weight. that's a dangerous staement heading into the holiday season.
After Martin presented the coat, we had to take a walk to really get a feel for it, so my parents watched the boys and we went out for coffee. It's been a wonderful day.
Now I'm twenty-five... does that mean I have to start acting like an adult? Like I know what I'm doing? ...because I don't. I still feel like the little girl excited for her birthday which always promises cake and a good movie.

Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes. I am so blessed and so loved.

A Bummed Birthday Weekend

It's friday, yay, right? I mean that's probably what you are thinking. I however, have a long and most likely boring, lonely weekend ahead of me. Martin is working the graveyard shift all weekend long, and to make matters worse, it's my birthday weekend. I know, I know, I'm a grown up. I'm not suppose to care that it's my birthday and all of that. But I do. I'm still a kid at heart who looks forward to it all year in hopes that something special will happen. Maybe there will be a solar eclipse at exactly the moment that I wasw born and they'll name it after me, you know just something simple like that.
So I'm a little bummed, and there's no one to blame. That is the absolute worst. It would be so much easier if I could say, someone did this on purpose just so I would have a lousy birthday! But no one did, and it probably won't be lousy any ways. Even though Martin has to work, he'll still probably do something for me, ya know because he loves me and all that mushy kind of stuff. He'll probably look at me with those sparkly green eyes of his, and tell me something lovely that will make my day and surprise me with something I never expected.
I already kind of ruined a birthday gift he had planned for me, well it wasn't really my fault. As some of you might know, "Beauty and the Beast" was recently released. It happens to be my favorite Disney movie of all time. So when I saw that it was coming out, I went a little crazy, he would in no way miss that this is what I wanted for my birthday. Even Elijah got the message and reminded him when we saw it at Walmart. I did however realize after I had made this big deal about wanting the movie, that my sister would know even without any mention of it that I would want it. She did, and even sent it to me early for my birthday. Well, Martin had also already bought for me... oops. So we returned the one he bought, which I feel a little responsible for, since he might not have gotten it had I not made such a big del about it.
Anyways... I've decided that I'm going to save it to watch all by myself for my birthday. After the boys are asleep I'll put it in and sit back.
Happy Birthday-Me!

I Miss Harry

I miss Harry. You could say we got acquainted in the hospital waiting room. That was a long night last May… anticipating the birth of my second niece, perfect for meeting a new friend. I was questionable about him at first; I didn’t think we’d hit it off. But everybody kept saying you have to meet Harry, Harry is wonderful. I gave in. They were right. Quite honestly, Harry is more than wonderful. Once I got to know him, I couldn’t get enough. We had our differences, but I found him fascinating. With each encounter it got better and better; he became more interesting, more exhilarating, and I began to learn a little more about myself along the way.
I saw him on and off all summer, sneaking in meetings whenever possible. In mid July, our meetings hit a wall. He wasn’t available, not for me anyway. I had to see him. I was desperate. After a dull weekend without him, I called my brother, practically begging him to hook us up. He came through. Pheww! Together again, and this time I knew we’d be seeing even more of each other, James had promised me that.
Harry taught me a lot over the summer. He taught me the true meaning of friendship, he showed me what it really means to be brave, loyal, and kind, but most of all, he taught me that love conquers all. I wish there was something I could give back to him. And now that it’s over, well, I find myself wanting to go back to the beginning, wanting to start all over again just so I can see him.
I miss Harry. Even though he’s a wizard who lives in a world that doesn’t exist, I miss him. Our last days spent together, I savored, not wanting it to end. Every moment I took slowly. It was like eating a very rich, rare, and perfect dessert, every bite enjoyed with reverence knowing it would soon be gone.
I guess all there is left to say is, thank you, Harry. Thank you Harry Potter for a wonderful summer. I may be seeing you again soon.

Note: Thank you James, for letting me borrow your Harry Potter collection when the library failed me and I was left in dire need, and I further thank you for buying me books five and six! Awesome!

Note 2: To all fellow Harry Potter fans… you know exactly what I’m talking about right? And for those of you who have not been introduced to Harry, well I suggest you meet him soon. You won’t regret it.

"Hot" Husbands!

The Husband Hot-List

These things don’t usually happen on the same day, and of course there are days and weeks when none of these things happen. But watching my husband be a better man than he thinks he is through self-less acts, makes him the most attractive man I know.

So here it goes, my list of random things I find appealing in a man. Of course I love it when I find my man doing these things, but I also stop and admire other dads and husbands who are trying just as hard as mine to be the best they can be for their families.

Husbands who….

… Take their kids to the library… Are Hot!
…load and unload the dishwasher (not do to nagging or prodding, but from their own desire)… Are Hot!
…make breakfast…lunch…dinner… or something edible and prepared…Are Hot!
…know how to push around the vacuum, mop, or broom…Are Hot! This is one of my favorites, especially when the view is so appealing!
…remember your favorite drink exactly the way you like it and bring it to you on a day when you need it most…Are Hot!
…take the kids to the grocery store, park, or anywhere away from you so you can have some peace of mind…Are Hot!
…Show they’ve actually heard what you’ve said by their actions…Are Hot!
-“if you have to look at one more pile of dirty laundry, you just might slit your wrists!” –mysteriously the laundry gets washed, dried, folded and mostly put away, though in all the wrong places. But who are you to complain… at least you didn’t have to slit your wrists!
…read a book just to please you, because you’re reading it and want to have in-depth conversations about it …Are Hot!
…stand behind you no matter what…Are Hot!
-when you decide to start working out again, they cheer you on and even buy you a new outfit that you look great in
-when you decide to landscape the front yard, they work beside you, digging, moving the heavy stuff and, and planting flowers you picked out together
- even on the tougher decisions like staying home, or going into the work field, he acts like your partner, your teammate, and you feel confident that together you are doing right
…Love Jesus… Are Hot!
-when you know his heart’s motivation’s are striving to please God there is nothing in the world more attractive!

So here’s a shout out to all the “Hot” husbands out there! If you’ve got one of them, show them lots of love and let them know how wonderful they are!

(There are many more things that make my honey Hot, these are just ten that came to mind because I have seen and appreciated most of them lately. Yay! My hubby’s hot)!

Getting Back To Priorities

As a mom, there are many things I once valued that now I rarely think about. Priorities have taken a major revamp… mostly for the good I have to say. But there are those things, little things that I need back in my life… looking in the mirror, for instance before leaving the house.

Last week after picking Elijah up from pre-school, I decided I would be brave and attempt a post office stop with both boys in tow. I only had one envelope to mail and some stamps to pick up, but of course there was a line. I tried pre-occupying Elijah with letter games “how many letter A’s can you find,” etc. It worked fairly well, but he was still his fidgety, four-year- old self.

When it was finally our turn, Elijah handed our special envelope up on to the counter to be mailed, and then stepped behind me to do some more fidgeting. What I didn’t expect was a poke on my bottom. Yes… my four year old was poking me! I turned around trying to be discreet and whispered as sternly as I could for him to stop. As soon as I turned back to the counter, he did it again. “Elijah! Stop it!” I said. I figured he was trying to poke the button on my pants, but I couldn’t understand why that would be funny, he was giggling after all. Oh well, kids do silly unexplainable things all the time, though this was a little inappropriate in my opinion, I didn’t want to make a big deal in front of a line of people.

When we got out to the car he had a talk about poking, and I thought that was the end of it. Well, it was the end for him, but when I got home I realized that I should have been a lot more embarrassed at the post office… and at Elijah’s pre-school, and everywhere else I had been that morning. I hadn’t looked in the mirror before walking out the door, (surprise, surprise). If I had looked in the mirror, I would have noticed the large hole on the backside of my pants and the bright blue panties showing through. But I didn’t. Now I know, some priorities aren’t worth sacrificing.

Life is Kinda Like Chess (but not really)

This morning I found myself playing a game of chess with my husband in an “off the beaten path” coffee shop. We weren’t planning on going there… just like we never plan to end up at the library or the park or any of the random places we find ourselves. We’re in some kind of strange middle life that feels awkward and well, it is what it is- unprecedented. With Elijah going to preschool half days in Coeur d ‘Alene (a 20 minute drive from our home in Post Falls), Martin working a schedule that is different everyday, and Owen… well he’s now the unstoppable king of the house ever since he learned of his powers to ransack everything in his path at full speed. I’m not trying to complain, in fact, I see lots of new possibilities right around the corner. I’m just still at that place when change is fresh and complicated. I don’t know exactly how to function, how to manage what I used to manage, and well, it’s just a little bit frustrating.

So, as I sat across from the man I love, strategizing just how to capture his king, I realized that life is a little like chess. Our best defense against a world of problems is to be proactive, to see the possibilities and be one step ahead. But what about the times when we’re one or two steps behind? When we don’t realize the opponent’s bishop is about to take out our knight, or even worse our own king? It happens. I guess that’s when I’m glad that life isn’t about winning or having everything figured out. That’s when the true King steps in overlooking our mistakes and giving us grace that we never deserve. When the world would say it’s finished, God says it is only the beginning. That is what gives me hope. He can use my mistakes for something great. He can take me to a coffee shop off the beaten path on a Tuesday morning and give me clarity when I was feeling that all may be lost.

Breaking Down and Building Up

If your heart were a home, complete with rooms of all sizes, what room would hold your emotions? Would it be a room with wide-open space that welcomed others in, like a living room? Or would it be a medium sized bedroom, more intimate, yet also an easy space for sharing? I think most of us keep our emotions in the smallest place possible, like the attic or linen closet, at least I know this has been true for me. But why are we so afraid to show what is really going on inside us? Why do we hold back overwhelming emotions?
Denial is easier.
Is it really that simple? We are so busy that we don’t want to stop and deal with things like feeling mournful, depressed, touched, convicted, or sometimes even joy. The tangible, necessary things always take priority. We’re also concerned with other’s reactions. What will _____ think if I just break down, right here, right now? But what if something life changing is about to happen in that little house- your heart- and you turn off the power? You keep your despair locked in the closet where no one will ever find it.
I guess at first, it gets worse. Then it gets a lot worse, and you are in such a pit of despair that you never want to come out of the attic, or out from under the kitchen sink, or wherever it is that you have managed to put the “real” you, and you begin to live this miserable double life. Your face might appear happy, but inside- your home is falling apart with no hopes of repair.
What we often fail to realize is that allowing ourselves to reach that place of mourning is a good thing. This is the starting point of growth. When you understand that you are pitiful, inadequate…lost, well that’s when the work can begin. Nothing can be done if nothing “needs” done.
I find myself at this point constantly, maybe it’s just been a rough year, or maybe I’m just a convicted emotional person, either way I know that I am nothing on my own. I am helpless, pathetic, worthless. I go into my closet, overwhelmed with my life, and I cry, and I cry, and I cry until God gives me the strength to face what I need to. I’m still not great at letting others in. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to keep my emotions in the “living room,” but maybe someday I’ll move into a small bedroom with a little window.

“Blessed are they who mourn for they will be comforted” Matthew 5:3

Another translation says:

“Those who are sad now are happy, because God will comfort them.”

Happy Fourth Birthday, Elijah!

On September 25th my Elijah will be four...FOUR! I just can't believe the time has gone so fast! Ironically, that exact day was the day Martin proposed to me in 2004, two years before Elijah was born. It seems not much time has passed since then, when we'd spend countless hours walking the park in York, Nebraska, but at the same time it feels worlds away. Now I know things I never planned on knowing like the theme songs to all of the most prominant super heroes, and the names of building trucks like loaders and cherry pickers, dump trucks and cement mixers, which play an active part in our daily lives.
It doesn't seem like I should have a four-year-old. But then again it seems completely impossible not to have him. I love listening to him when he doesn't think I'm listening, like in the car. He talks to himself, relives conversations that we've had or that he's heard in school with character voices and all kinds of drama. Yesterday, he was saying, "No, no Hannah!" in the back seat of the car. I asked who Hannah was. He told me she was a girl at school, but that she was in a different class. This morning I knew exactly who Hannah was when I heard a teacher scolding her and telling her to get back in line. They really are listening ALL THE TIME!
Many days after school i let him change into "play clothes," clothes that aren't school uniform. He has taken on this tendancy, probably from me, that his clothes have to match. He refused to wear his favorite "number twelve" pants because we couldn't find the "number twelve" shirt. Then he saw one of his jumpsuits, you know those sweats that have matching sweat tops... they look like little running suits, any ways... he was thrilled when he discovered that he found something that matched. "I'll wear these, mom!" he exclaimed excitedly and bounced on his bed to pull them on.
He's always making me laugh about something... many times when I shouldn't be laughing. Its a known fact that laughing when you aren't suppose to is ten times more fun than when its expected, like in church, or in my case when I'm trying to be stern and disciplining my child. He's had so many potty accidents that it has become routine to go in the bathroom and get him cleaned up. Its incredibly hard not to giggle when he starts singing while I'm trying to get him cleaned up, or when he turns to me like nothing is going on and says "I love you," or something silly.
Saturday, that silly boy will hold up four fingers instead of three when you ask him his age, and there will be four candles on his DUMP TRUCK cake, but part of me will always see that baby, my first that was born on the 25th of September.

Changes

I'm sitting in the car listening to Owen's deep breathing as he sleeps comfotably clutching his stuffed animal buddies in his car seat. Today is so unlike the past week; there are actually fluffy cumulus nimbus clouds in the foreground of a beautiful bright blue sky. What a contrast and a gift compared to the last grey and rainy days.
I just dropped Martin off at his new job. Yes, he started working at a boys rehabilitation home last week! We're are both excited about it, not just because he is now out of a place that caused him much stress, but also for the potential here to really play a part in changing young boys lives. It seems it was meant to be. I'm looking forward to hearing all about what goes on there and I know he is going to enjoy it.
With all of the recent changes to our schedule, I'm just trying to hang on and keep going. It's a little crazy I have to admit, getting out the door for pre-school in the morning, then coming back a few hours later (usually with a cranky toddler), and also with MArtin's new unsettled schedule. We're staying afloat though, and all of these changes are truly for the better.

Uh oh... Owen caught me... He's waking up now. No more computer time.

Pre-school Already?

I can't believe the day has come... tommorrow Elijah starts pre-school. We've had almost four years of fun together and now he's moving into this new stage of life. It only hit me about a week ago that it is really happening and closer than it could possibly seem. I know that he's ready, I know that he will love it... and though I know that there are many many benefits, I also know that I will miss him.
He's been my buddy and turned into the most wonderful big brother to Owen. He loves his place of knowing all the rules and making sure that Owen is held to the same high standards. I wonder about all the things that will change now as I sit on this last night of what will become many nights of wondering how he will function without me.
that's probably the most scary part- wondering what it will be like without me. No one knows him as well as I do ( and no one ever will until many many years from now). Of course, the whole point of parenting is to shape children to be able to go out away from us independantly and be "all right," but secretly we want them to need us, we want to keep them close forever, however selfish and unecisary that may be.
He's going to be okay. He's going to love it. Life will go on.... it will change, it will be different, but it will go on.

Laundry Day

I realized it was time to wash the whites again when I couldn’t find a clean flat sheet for my sister-in-law when she stayed over last week. This hasn’t happened in long time, mostly because we received five or six sets of sheets for our wedding. I don’t usually let the laundry pile up that much; I guess it’s been that kind of month though… the kind of month that feels like one long day. Things that used to be on the top of my list are lost and forgotten.
So I washed and dried all the sheets I could find, including the ones on both of my boys’ beds. I wanted to get this job all done at once. Tonight I had to face folding them and putting them all away… the part of laundry that I hate most of all. I still haven’t figured out how to fold those fitted sheets- with which I have a love-hate relationship. They are, of course, brilliantly practical, yet a ridiculous bulgy entanglement until they actually appear on the bed. I’ve tried and tried matching the seams up, folding down the part that’s curved, so there’s somewhat of a straight edge, but still I end up with this ugly rolled up package that looks like my three-year-old folded it, and I gave it entirely no effort which is the opposite of the truth. So, you can see why I avoid washing sheets every week.
I must also mention that the flat sheets give me trouble as well which I’m going to credit only to the massive size of the sheet. I mean really, have you ever tried folding a sheet that is the size of a small bedroom? I get it all spread out, match up the corners of one side, and then I can’t seem to make it to the other side without getting twisted up or misguided. It’s very frustrating. I’m tempted to give up, turn the entire pile of sheets into one big wad, and throw them in the linen closet- as is. Good luck everyone in finding a sheet when you need one!
However, I didn’t turn my clean basket of whites into a wad… after all, there were socks and underwear in there too! I took a deep breath, sorted it out and did my best as usual to make these large thin pieces of material appear as close to a neatly folded stack as possible. In the end, I was nearly completely dissatisfied by my efforts, but the good news is there are now clean sheets in the closet and an empty laundry basket for me to collect yet another load.

MOTHERHOOD: don't forget your Machete!

I wrote this a few months ago and decided to post it here on my blog in hopes that maybe someone else is out there feeling just like me who can benefit.


I feel small, like I could slip down the drain in the kitchen sink and nobody would notice. Then again, they would notice. They’d notice an absence of nagging, yelling, and emotional tornados from the house. Who is this person I have become? I start out the day trying to be the person I know I should be, but then something happens… and that other person comes out to handle the situation, and then another thing happens and she’s taking over. I step back and don’t even recognize my life. It’s not supposed to be this way. I was going to be the calm understanding mother of respectful children who handled every situation with grace and ease. Is that even possible? I don’t think so. Motherhood has taken me by surprise on this crazy day-by-day adventure.
Most days, I’m hacking through the jungle with a machete, hoping this free-style path that I’m creating will eventually end up back to where I am supposed to be. But where is that exactly? Does anyone know? It’s exhausting- the search, the spontaneity, the mere survival of it all. Just a few more really hard days like today, and I think we’ll either make it back to the main path of balance where mother and child and family work together in harmony… or it will break me and I’ll never get turned in the right direction. I will have fallen so hard that I’ll never be able to get back up again. I know, that’s very pessimistic of me. I’m just begging for some rescue heroes to plow through the deep green overgrowth of my life on a four-wheeler, pull me aboard and show me the way. I imagine myself getting on, tuckering in for a long journey back to sanity and the right path, which will most likely be three feet away. Just like me- to give up when I was so close. But what if they never come? What if things never change? Will I be stuck in the jungle forever with monkeys and wild animals who won’t listen to a thing I say? Maybe I’ll start making my own clothes from their hides…
It’s better at night. At night I can wash away the exhaustion of the day, and after a few minutes of quiet I almost seem to forget it altogether. Maybe that’s how I’m able to keep going. The rest and the time to myself, recharges me for another day of trudging through the unknown.
I never knew it would be like this. I think that is what bothers me the most. I feel so unprepared, so inadequate- which frustrates me to no end. No one told me I would need a machete, much less that I would be making up most of the rules…where the path is, when to eat, sleep, or dance uncontrollably. These were things that felt very structured when I was growing up, like the parents all had the same handbook. When the rules were broken they knew exactly how to handle it. And there was no adventuring in the jungle; we always walked on the trail of balance and perfect harmony. I’m not saying we were perfect children by any means, but my parents somehow knew how to earn our respect gracefully, seemingly without much effort. Maybe I’m wrong; maybe it took a great deal of effort, as it currently is for me. They may have been able to disguise it better than I can.
I just can’t help feeling remorse at the end of the day, like I could have done better. I could have hacked more of the path away, gotten us closer to where we are supposed to be. I could have used smoother movements, more graceful tones, been lighter on my feet. What I have realized is that I can’t change them or their reactions to me. I can only change myself. I can give them opportunities to choose good and that is all. I can’t make that decision for them. I never knew it would be so hard, that it would hurt so much. I guess my biggest fear is that I will fail as a mother, the one thing I really wanted to be great at. My mind wanders to places far in the distance, and I can’t help knowing that what I do now affects their future every bit as much as what I will do then. Is the defiance a stage that will pass, or will it only get worse? Will an unruly almost four-year old become an uncontrollable teenager? I don’t want to believe that’s true, but sometimes it keeps me up at night.
I know discipline is healthy, and completely necessary, I just don’t want to spend ALL day playing rule enforcer! Somehow at this age I can’t escape it. They are both learning constantly and that includes boundaries of all kinds. Lately, Elijah has been testing everything possible, and even laughing at some punishments. I left him in his room with these words to end the day after he had been told several times to go to bed, “I’m going to let you choose. If you want to be good, you can lie down and go to sleep on your pillow like I asked you to. You can also choose to be naughty which will earn you a day of no fun tomorrow. I’m going to leave now and let you decide.” This works much better than time outs or spankings for Elijah. He’s a very smart little boy and deeply wants to do the right thing, so I find by giving him the option he will usually choose it. I think he also doesn’t want me to be right for some reason, so leaving the room allows him to make the decision with his own conscience. I always try to tell him that I love him after he has been punished. It feels much better when I can do this and keep myself in control, then I know I’m not acting out of anger and frustration.
Are you too using your machete? Have you found the path of balance in your life or do you too feel as if you are in the middle of an overgrown jungle?

Plan To Be Spontaneous!

I love summer mornings… when it is still cooler outside than it is inside, dew sparkles in the blades of grass that need mowing, and everything looks and feels fresh. Most of all I think I like the idea that I get to start anew myself. I don’t know what is in store for us (which used to scare me to death- living without a schedule that is). Now it is exciting just to be. We never know where we’ll end up or what we might get a chance to do that day, and I’m beginning to really embrace that.
Martin and I discovered a new phrase that seems to encompass our lives so completely, “Plan to be Spontaneous!” I love it! Of course my instinct is to plan, plan, plan until I’ve worked out every detail, but sometimes that really sucks all the fun out of life. I’m learning to let things go.
Each day holds so many possibilities. Elijah and I were discussing all of the fun things to do in summer this morning. His favorites were: mowing the lawn with daddy (he loves pushing his toy mower exactly in step with daddy- it is one of the cutest things ever), going to the library, getting ice cream, and going to the beach to build sand castles! The conversation started in the garage. He noticed our sled in the corner and wanted to go sledding! I prodded him with questions trying to get him to connect that it was entirely the wrong season for that. It fascinates me the way kids think, though. They see something they want to do… and what should stop them? Certainly not lack of snow!
Today I am thankful for so many things! I thank God for my boys who teach me more about life and myself than I would ever know without them; I thank God for my husband who constantly surprises me with love and care that I don’t deserve; and I thank God for seasons that come to us with such detail we will never understand it all. What a blessed life… what a Love He has for us!

Tink's Last Day

Animals have a way of knowing when death is coming. They prepare in their own way for the end of their life. It is so unlike human nature. We fret and fight it with everything we have, denying and holding on. From what I have seen, the animals have it right. They usually go off on their own, away from everything to spend their last days in peace. What a way to go. If I knew it was coming, I’d like to spend my last days in peace, not fighting to stay here longer unnaturally. But that is a different conversation.

For some time now our cat, Tinkerbelle, has been getting sicker. Two weeks ago when we came back from a weekend trip to Seattle, she was looking very fragile indeed. Her appetite decreased so much that she barely ate anything at all. It was obvious she had lost a considerable amount of weight. It was shocking to see the numbers on the scale, though. She used to be a fat lazy cat weighing in at a healthy twelve pounds. Now she was diminished down to a mere seven and a half pounds (smaller than both of my boys birth weights)!
We finally took her to the Vet a few days ago. I was prepared to hear that she needed a new special diet, or maybe a vitamin for cats that would revive her. No, none of that would be needed. We were facing her last days. The Vet told us she had lymphoma in her stomach - which made it nearly impossible to eat. I wasn’t ready for this. Holding back tears, I didn’t want to accept it. Surely she couldn’t be dying… but then again all of the signs were there. She looked more haggard than I had ever seen her, and her escapes outside had been more frequent as well. We were all going to have to say good byes to our sweet Tinkerbelle… forever.
Nearly five years ago, Martin and I were still newlyweds living in Nebraska when we adopted Tinkerbelle from the “Cat Sanctuary.” She was our “baby” then. We brushed her nearly every day, I even gave her baths from time to time, and she greeted us much like a puppy went we came through the front door. She’s lived in every place that we have… there in our very first apartment, at my parents home when we moved in with them (both times), in our second apartment in Coeur d’Alene where we first brought Elijah home to, also in the house that we bought Owen home to (which was not our own- we were house-sitting rent free), and finally the house that has become her last home, the house that God blessed us with last spring.
I can’t help feeling that we are losing part of our family. I know how silly that sounds… she’s an animal right? They only live so long. I know, but she has given us so much. She’s tolerated two rambunctious boys poking, and prodding, and petting too enthusiastically. But more than that, she’s been a true companion. After the boys are in bed each night she finds her spot on the couch with me, or if I’m in bed reading, she is there too. In fact, whenever I am alone, she finds her way to me, as if to say, “I’m here for you, you are not alone.” She has been such a comfort to me especially in times of loneliness. That’s really the reason Martin agreed to get her five years ago. He had one more year of college to finish which meant cross-country and track meets on the weekends and LOTS of studying and school work in between. Tinkerbelle kept me company while he was away. She was something else I could love, and in return she loved me so unconditionally.
Today is her last day. It seems so strange to set a time to it. We considered letting her go in the wild somewhere, but it would be more pain and struggle for her that way, since she has no claws and can’t eat anything. So the date and time is set. Tonight at five-thirty we’ll drive to the Vet to say our last goodbyes.
We are truly going to miss you Tink! You have been a sweet part of our family.

Note: Did you know cats are the only animals that smile with their eyes?
I'm going to miss Tink's beautiful green eyes slanting into that happy "smile."

Reflections

The thing about having a lot of time alone is that it gives me too much time to think. This can be a good thing, but sometimes in the world of thoughts it is dangerous. On our own, what we think to be true may not be true at all, and living so internally isn't healthy. Some days this causes me to believe the negative twisted thoughts my mind has created, that I am worthless, hopeless, and life is meaningless. what a pit of despair! And of course all of those things would be true without Jesus.
With that realization I kind of have to smack myself in the face and say, "wake up!" Because I know if I let myself, my whole life could pass me by. I could miss everything if I let myself believe the lies.
All this reflection has made me see how ungrateful I've been. Yes, it's been a rough year, not just for me but for thousands. I've seen so many ups and downs this year it's made me dizzy. I miss my friends, my family, my "normal" life...whatever that is. But along the way I have missed some things- some really great things that I won't ever get back.
I never know when it's going to be a rough day. In fact every day I can pretty count on being challenging, but the great thing is with embracing that challenge I can find joy again.
A few nights ago it hit me hard. It had been a long day. elijah took a late nap, which meant he'd have an even later bedtime, and Owen woke up from already being in bed at around 8:30. I held Owen on the couch. He laid his head on my shoulder, just wanting to be held, I think. Elijah sat at the table coloring in his favorite Lightning Mcqueen coloring set. It was a moment, one I had imagined and dreamed of finding full of peace and joy and budding with contentment. I embraced it. After all how long had it been since Owen wanted to sit still long enough to cuddle? and elijah almost never sticks with one activity longer than twenty minutes. This was bliss. I had both of my beautiful children happy and glowing right within reach.

I don't want to miss anything else. I want to always act out of love and accept my circumstances instead of fighting them. Life is moving always faster than we can keep up with it, but for now I'm tired of the race. I'm simply ready to embrace my moments- whatever they may be.

Today, count your blessings with me. I'm sure your day will be better when you do!

The First Day of Summer

The constant drizzle and grey skies proclaim nothing of “The First Day of Summer.” I guess the weather forgot to check the calendar. It’s supposed to be sunny now… remember weather? The rest of the country is in bathing suits and off enjoying long hours at the beach, but here in the North West on the first day of summer, I’m in jeans and a sweatshirt. Oh yeah, and don’t forget the cozy socks and quilt to cuddle under as soon as the wind is shut safely outside the door.
Okay, it’s not all ranting and raving… I actually enjoy all four seasons here. In fact, on this first day of summer, I may have started my very own little tradition, today. At least I hope it will become one.
The rain has caused everything in our yard to come to life, to turn three shades of green, and our roses have opened up to give us their very first greeting of the season. One of my favorite things about living here as a child was the fantastic spring and summer bouquets my mom would bring in from our very own yard. She’d place them proudly on the table, arranging them as if she were a paid florist.
As I walked to get the mail today, I noticed several red blooms from our rose bushes. They were calling out to me, pining to be plucked, to be part of the first bouquet to sit on my windowsill. I thought about cutting them just then, but realized it would be more than challenging with a baby on my hip and a three year old wanting the “help.” Later I told myself. And later came just before the sun went down (well I guess I couldn’t really tell since we never saw the sun at all today and the sky just turned a slightly darker shade of grey, but it was after the boys were in bed anyways). I got out my rose pruners and a small vase, clipped a large blossom, some that hadn’t yet opened, and one that was just on the brink of something spectacular. I like to choose them at all three different stages; it makes the bouquet more interesting, less commercial looking, and last longer with continual budding.
After arranging the freshly cut flowers and adding some water to the vase, I set them on my windowsill. They are exquisite. As I look at them I feel my mom’s sense of pride, her joy, I feel more at home then I did only minutes ago. Even the roses shake the rain from their velvety petals as they settle into their new residence. It is summer; there is no denying that. My hope, as you may have guessed, is that every year on the first day of Summer, my roses will pine to be plucked, and I will bring in the most beautiful and first bouquet of the season that will make my house feel more like home all over again.

This n' That Conratulations!

I am sitting at a small children's table at the library... the closest place to get Internet access. I love being in the atmosphere where books line the walls and children eagerly grab for them. My love for reading and books has grown enormously over the past year and is growing greater still, though I believe it has always been a core part of my being. I knew how to read before I even went to preschool, but that's besides the point.
I wish I had more time... this is always my wish. More time to write, to think, to read to be.

Elijah is playing some kind of Barney game on the computer next to me. I don't think he knows how to play it, but it is keeping him entertained.

Martin is taking his turn with Owen around the Children's section. He's getting rather difficult now, Owen I mean. He wants so badly to be able to walk and play like all the other babies a head shorter and five pounds smaller than him, but still her crawls. I'm just as eager. It is such a frustration for us both to go to the park and he constantly says, "play, play," but I can't just let him crawl through the bark chips on his hands and knees! Soon enough, soon enough.

This friday is our fifth Anniversary and my brother's graduation from the Master's program at Eastern University... what a smarty pants! And his little baby will be two weeks old tomorrow! Wow how has life slipped so easily? Are we really all so grown up now?
I'm hoping for an evening of reconnection friday night... no schedule to keep, just me and my honey talking and catching up with this life that has gone on so quickly without my permission. A few months ago I bought a box of 50 tealight candles and I plan to use all of them, dropping them in baby jars and placing them throughout the house. Doesn't that sound beautiful? I've been daydreaming of it constantly.

Happy Anniversary US! And Congrats to my big brother who never fails to make me proud!

Baby Aletheia is Here!

Every woman labors differently. And the entire process of pregnancy to birth and delivery... the whole package still amazes me. God certainly designed it all perfectly. My birth stories are completely different from yours and every other woman in the world. That too is amazing and wonderful. And Tanya's story from my point of view would hardly be accurate, but I can tell you what I saw, what I heard and what I experienced as I waited for my second niece to be born.

Wednesday morning I got a call from my brother. They were on there way to the hospital- it was time! Her water broke shortly after arriving at the hospital- a great sign! I could hardly hold in my excitement, so while I waited for Martin to get some sleep and Owen to get a nap as well, I did the only thing I could think to busy myself and yet still be productive. I made muffins. I mashed bananas, measured flour, and poured the mixture into paper cups as I daydreamed of the miracle about to happen just minutes away. I couldn't wait. For me, birth has a very positive connotation. this isn't true of course for all women. I can't help thinking of the connection to our creator, the way he equipped us all with the empowering task that men will never fully understand. It gives me chills just thinking of it now.

We arrived at the hospital sometime after lunch. I was so proud of my brother for remaining his calm usual self, comforting his laboring wife, but I was even more proud of her. She kept her breathing controlled, staying on top of each contraction. Great Job Tanya! Though we are equipped to handle it, labor is called labor for a reason. It isn't an easy experience. We watched the contractions rise and fall on the monitor...amazing. I was so grateful to be able to be a part of this. The only other births I had been to were my own.

Tanya labored and breathed for hours and hours. We all wondered whether this baby would ever come out. I won't go in to all the details for like I said before that is not my story to tell. I was there to wait, to comfort, to love. At 1:01 am Thursday morning, Aletheia graced us with her presence. The first time I saw her, she was in my brother's strong arms, bundled in blankets, wearing a white hospital hat. All I could see of her was her delicate face- Tanya's lips and all the other features a perfect mix of the two. She blinked a greeting to me, and I got a glimpse of her cloudy eyes (which will most likely turn to blue). What a reward! After waiting all day, just to see her was all I needed! I can't wait to see her grow and watch my brother and friend (sister-in-law) join me on this journey called parenthood. It is quite a ride, but they are off to a good start. I could tell the next day when we went back to visit. Though Aletheia was under that blue light to help with her jaundice, the whole room felt unusually calm. Her special baby sunglasses made me smile. Her tiny cry was almost laughable, so cute compared to what I'm used to. It only took a few rubs and pats and she quieted down. This is going to be one laid back family.
Congratulations James and Tanya!

Aletheia (Greek for truth)
8 lbs. 1oz.
she is beautiful!

(sorry I don't have any pictures downloaded yet)!

Everything Days and Nothing Days

My weeks are compiled of what I call everything days and nothing days. On everything days I find myself doing everything from sun up to sun down. Those days are like a three ring circus and I am keeping it all running- the tight rope, the juggling, the dancing elephants, the whole enchilada. We eat a good breakfast, get everyone changed or to the potty. Getting out the door is always the very worst part. I don’t know why, but that is the point at which I feel like screaming or perhaps throwing something through the front window. No body has socks on even though I’ve requested it three times and repeated exactly where to find them. I think it’s the pressure of getting somewhere on time that really kills me. I hate being late, but my kids haven’t acquired any connection to their actions with what time of day it is or whether we show up somewhere when the sun is up or down or wherever. In fact time makes completely no sense to them at all. Elijah often makes statements like, “I saw a fire truck out my window last night.” Last night, yesterday, this morning, they are all very fluid terms to him that he uses simply to refer to a time in the past that he recalls something specific happening. I have to laugh at it of course, but when I am trying to get out the door when we need to have left ten minutes ago, I find their sense of time very un-funny!
On everything days we try to fit in an activity before Owen’s morning nap, which is often a challenge and usually ends up backfiring on us. If we leave the house somewhere around eight, we have a good chance of getting something done and returning for a nine or nine-thirty nap. Then again, who can manage to get out of the house by eight in the morning? So he ends up taking a nap at ten or ten-thirty, which throws off the afternoon, nap and makes him cranky for the rest of the day until bedtime by which point I am ready to throw something out the front window again.
The morning activity usually consists of grocery shopping, going to the library, bookstore, or possibly the park to meet a friend. I am always more excited and willing to do the non-errand type of outing. Which means we will be getting by on peanut butter and jelly for the next three days…again. It doesn’t bother me, and it certainly doesn’t bother the boys. Elijah practically asks for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at every meal. Lately I’ve been avoiding the grocery store at all costs. I used to love planning out meals and deciding exactly what menu to whip up for the week, but now… it has turned into this stressful issue for me and I don’t even understand exactly why. Maybe it’s the mixed up schedule. With Martin eating dinner for breakfast, lunch in the middle of the night and breakfast right before I go to bed, it has me all mixed up about how to plan anything in the ways of meals. I try to make something dinner-ish sometimes that he can take as leftovers to work, but honestly I have found cooking to be one of the hardest things to do with two kids running around the house. It usually comes down to yogurt or cereal for dinner and he’s on his own for what to bring for lunch. Then I feel guilty and make him a sandwich, throw in an apple and a string cheese, and he’s satisfied.
If there is more than one outing, it is definitely considered an everything day. More than two outings… and I get to where a crown and carry a wand through the three-ring circus. This does happen every so often on those days when we’ve stayed out to long for Owen’s nap, and missed the window for him to take one at all. On those days I just figure I might as well stay on the boat while it’s still floating. We go to the park, or the library. The boys burn off lots of energy. Elijah always meets some “friends” that usually more than willingly entertain him. He loves following the “big” kids around, getting attention from anyone taller than him makes his whole world light up. He’s now learned a few of the friendship-making basics such as: telling hopeful friends his name and asking what theirs is, agreeing to like the things that they like, and declaring that they are cool and should come to his house. Watching these encounters makes my cheeks soften into slight smiles knowing exactly where he gets his exuberance and shrill confidence. I often wonder if Martin was exactly like his son is now. Of course, Elijah pretends to be shy sometimes, but overall he lets his feelings be known whether happy, sad, thrilled, or concerned, just like his daddy. It still amazes me that my husband is so child-like in this sense. He hasn’t been broken by the world into masking himself. I love that. He is who he is. I hope he never changes, and I hope our boys continue to be like him. (note: yes… of course I get embarrassed sometimes by all the honesty and open feelings, but it’s much better than second guessing or being fake).
If we’ve been able to get through the day with little whining and no potty accidents, I’ve been known to get Elijah a kids smoothie along with my favorite drink at Dutch Bros.- my most recent obsession. I usually need one by the middle of an everything day and I feel good if I can also get Elijah something too. He loves it when the barista puts a dollop of whip cream on the straw for him. I watch in the rearview mirror as he licks it off and gets most of it on his face. Then he tries licking the sides of his mouth and cheeks. This turns into finger licking, and somewhat of a mess in the back seat, but it’s an everything day- messes included.
So whether we’ve soaked up the sun, or soaked up some books, by the end of the day I am ready to get the boys fed and into bed. However, sometimes an everything day also includes visiting grandma and Papa. If it’s a Tuesday we often steal Grandma and include her in our trip to Dutch Bros. Mostly because all drinks are two dollars that day, but also because it happens to be in close proximity to where Grandma teaches first graders all day and she needs a break too. We also like to take Grandma to Target with us. It’s nice to have some company while we look at things on way to pick up the necessary diapers or pull-ups. Grandma also usually buys a cookie or a pretzel for a boy who only has to ask sweetly and gaze up at her with his dark brown eyes. I count the pretzel as dinner, especially if I add in some yogurt at the snack bar and some apple juice. I hope one or both of the boys will fall asleep on the way home so I can have a little time to breathe, but then again sometimes we have the greatest of conversations. I know it sounds bizarre, conversations, but its true. Elijah will bring up something he’s been thinking about that I may have never known had I turned the radio up full blast or had he fallen asleep. Other times the car turns into a sound-fest. Owen will copy a sound he heard from big brother. Elijah will laugh his infectious little laugh and repeat the sound, causing a cycle of laughs and silly sounds all the way home. Sometimes I join in too, they love to see me being silly right along with them, and I know at some point they won’t. They’ll call me a dork or something of equal meaning in complete embarrassment that I really am their mom. But right now I relish in the fact that I am the coolest and most knowledgeable person they know. They believe every word that comes from my lips. And I am the person they come to for everything… more now then ever.
At the end of an everything day I feel both exhausted and empowered. I look back and think, wow how did I get all that done? Did I mention everything days also include laundry, dishes, changing sheets, scrubbing toilets, vacuuming, mopping, oh yeah… and sweating to the beat of my step class workout video? Of course not all of these are done on the same day, well usually not, but they do get accomplished somehow. During naptime on some days, but often after the boys have both gone to bed.
It’s amazing just how different my life looks and feels when the house is quiet with both boys asleep. I feel like me again and I wonder who that crazy woman was that took over my body earlier in the day. That couldn’t have been me. I never lose my temper, or make a big deal about something as small as finding socks and putting them on the correct body part. No, that couldn’t have been me. Now I feel full amounts of air filling my lungs easily. My head isn’t pounding or throbbing. I’m not concerned about anyone or anything, but me and my own little world consisting of the few hours I have just for me.
Now of course your wondering about nothing days. Ideally life should consist of everything and nothing all rolled together in a single perfect day, but for some reason my days never work like that. Especially now, I can’t seem to balance anything. A nothing day almost always follows an everything day. Of course it is impossible for me to spend an entire day doing absolutely nothing, but I am so worn out from the everything day that just the thought of getting out of the house again makes me want to hide in the closet. So, a nothing day consists of me doing the bare minimum. You know what I’m talking about. The kids get fed, I manage to eat somewhere in the mix, but no one gets out of their jammies. We watch a few cartoons, I let the boys get out every toy and book and box from the cupboard to play with- undoing all the work of yesterday. But somehow this brings me the strangest sort of peace. We play and laugh and cuddle and eat things that require absolutely no cooking and little preparing whatsoever- cereal, applesauce, crackers, string cheese, grapes, trail mix. Those kinds of things become our breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Both boys nap on time because we had nowhere to go. I let Elijah do an extra craft project “just because,” and read him an extra story at bedtime too. After they’re asleep I don’t do my workout, I don’t even look at my sports bra. Instead, I hunt for the dark chocolate mint Haagen Daz ice cream and put in my latest Netflix pick.
It works. In this crazy out of control circus of mine, this mix of extreme days works. We go and we do and we do all we can do, and then we rest and play and cuddle. It’s actually a fairly nice cycle. I never really know what to expect, where we might end up on an everything day, or how often I will get a nothing day, but they come and go in this strange unpredictable pattern that has become my life. I love it. Though at times I actually visualize myself throwing that loud destructive thing through my front window just to silence the chaos.

An unexpected Package

Many of you know that I spent a month jump-starting my goal to become healthy and fit. Now I am proudly working out every other day! I'm actually sticking to it! You might also be aware of my incredibly sweet husband. The following has the possibility of making you extremely envious (unless of course you too have a husband who continues to court you). I'm not telling you this to purposely make you wish your husband did things like this... In fact I honestly and whole-heartedly hope that he does. Because these are the moments that make us stop in our tracks, make us sigh with assurance, and hold on to for a long, long time.

This afternoon the doorbell rang. This is going to sound silly- but I'm in the habit of using the bathroom with the door open. I feel like that way I can still keep an understanding of what is happening with my kids. So I'm sitting on the toilet thinking, "who would be ringing the doorbell in the middle of the day?" My mind immediately thinks for some reason Mormons or Jehovah's Witnesses, and I make an effort to close the bathroom door quickly because I hear Martin rush to the front door answer it. That could have been a very uncomfortable situation.
After coming out of the bathroom, I ask Martin, "So who was at the door?"
"Come and see," he says, "I've been waiting for this!"
So by this point I knew it had not been the Jehovah's Witnesses or the Mormons, but some kind of package that had been delivered. Of course, why hadn't I thought of that? A large soft envelope was now on our dining room table. What could it be? At first I immediately assumed it was another book for the classes that he's been taking, then I noticed two letters in the top left hand corner that gave it all away: VS.
Meaning: Victoria's Secret... now before you get any ideas... It was nothing like what you may be thinking. No lingerie or sexy, sexy things. I ripped open the envelope to find the most flattering, fun sports bra I had ever seen in a bright reddish-pink. Along with the bra, were three fitness tanks, one plum, one jade, and one grey!
And this is what he said, "I am so proud of you for sticking with your work-out plan and wanted you to have something nice as a reward. These will look great on you!"
Wow, right?! I mean first of all he did this without me knowing. Secondly, he got my size right... which is amazing all on its own, and thirdly it made me feel on top of the world! He really loves me, more than I deserve, more than I could ever ask for. He's my penguin, my match, my best friend!
I just had to share my happy moment with all of you. I hope that you have many of these moments too. Now I have the perfect thing to wear for Sunday's "Race For The Cure!" What could be more perfect than a bright pink sports bra under that grey tank?

Is This IT? Are we really done having babies?

If you know me well, you might know that I am fairly indecisive. This of course drives my husband crazy! "What do you want... just pick something!" He'll say after I've spent ten minutes going back and forth on an incredibly life altering decision like choosing which flavor of ice cream to get, or what sandwich to order. Due to this "character flaw" I have learned it's easier to stick with things that I already know will work for me. I no longer take chances on trying new flavors at the coffee shop; I get my favorite because it's the best- I know I will love it and I don't have to irritate Martin by weighing out the pros and cons of trying one of the specials. I've tried to use this tactic in all areas of my life to make things easier, but sometimes there just isn't an easy way out. You really have to weigh the pros and cons to come to a reasonable decision, which brings me to a decision I have been thinking about every day for months now.

First of all, I would like to say this is going to sound fairly silly and you might think I am totally ridiculous after reading my thoughts on how I am coming on this particular decision. You see, family planning has come to us in a sort of backwards manner (which is exactly what I am struggling with presently). We started out pregnant, six months into our marriage. It was a God-given surprise that led us on a path we hadn't planned for ourselves. We had always talked about having two or three kids... well now the question is blinking in front of my face every day like a neon add "Two or Three?" How do you know when your family is complete, when is it time to do something permanent?

I thought I knew. When I was pregnant the last time around, we had decided that if it was a girl we'd leave the option open to try again for a third child, but if it was a boy, we'd be done (the thought of possibly having three boys just seemed completely overwhelming to me at the time). Now we have two wonderful beautiful boys, and I am as I should have expected riding the fence about having another one.

Some days it's easy to go along with the already decided plan to be done having kids. It's definitely the more financially smart thing to do in our current situation. I can easily picture our family of four going on vacations together- everyone has their own window and we don't have to do crowd control because we aren't out numbered. I hold one child's hand and Martin holds the other's.

I also sort of like the idea of being the only lady in the house. I dream of days not too far off when I will send the boys off on a fishing trip and I will stay at home for a weekend of pampering or a girls night in.

Then there's the other issue of my sanity. Many days I feel like: how in the world would anyone handle more than two? Of course, I know many who have pulled it off beautifully, my mom included (in fact if she would have stopped at two, I wouldn't exist)! But that still doesn't make it the right decision for me.

So what does?

Certainly the fact that I have several beautiful baby girl names picked out that I may never get to use, is at the top of the list of not being a good reason to have another baby (at least that's what I am telling myself). My other reasons are like it: I notice pregnant women and babies everywhere I go and feel this strange aching in my stomach... maybe it's my heart. I usually remind myself that those parts of my life are over. I come up with some logical, reasonable thing to comfort myself like: now I can help other mommies and love on other babies... oh yeah and I can give even more love to the wonderful babies I already have!

My feelings on this matter change from day to day, and some days, hour to hour. Sometimes I can look at the sweet children God has given me and smile with feelings of contentment. (this usually happens when they are asleep or behaving exceptionally well) - "This is it, this is 'us,'" I think. But then again, what if it isn't?

So here's the list:

pros:

okay so it's really hard to put down what having a baby means on paper (but did you notice the photo at the beginning of this blog?...do I really need to write on?

Here are some words and thoughts that come to mind:

-joy

-being part of, and actively seeing a miracle

-feeling the presence of God

-life

-giggles

-cuddles

-seeing part you, part of the one you love, and a little bit of family here and there, all complied into one of God's most beautiful creations- your baby!

-pure love

-adventure

-lessons you can learn no other way

-afternoons of laying on the couch holding your bundle and thinking of nothing else

-a new friend for life (not just for you, but for siblings and many others)

-a new soul to teach and nurture

-tickles-laughter-playtime

-family

-I already have some great baby names picked out

- I already know how to change a diaper (which I can also do successfully in the back hatch of our car in the rain), and I can randomly and convincingly make up songs to go along with any emergency (such as cleaning up toys, going to bed, or learning to use the potty)

-the house is baby-proofed

-we have lots of baby things... toys, clothes, a crib etc.

-I'm still young- this year I'll be turning 25, which gives me plenty of time for another baby

-I have some kind of yearning that may or may not go away

-(warning: this one is a bit silly and surprising) I love the experience of pregnancy and birth. It is something only we can do as women and it is phenomenal and empowering and amazing.

cons:

these things are a little more tangible, which is why a decision like this is so difficult...

-we have a small three bedroom house (perfect for a family of four)

-I may finally be back to my pre-pregnancy weight and size (well as close as I'm going to get)

-our adult to child ratio is equal with two -another one may feel like juggling

-pregnancy, birth, sleep training, breast-feeding, potting training... etc... ALL OVER AGAIN! (of course most of these could also go on the pro list depending on how you look at it)

-most men would put this at the top of the list- finances- can we afford another one?

-emotionally- another one could just send me over the top... I'm not always stable as it is

-I get a full nights sleep on a regular basis- I'm not sure I can give that up again

-we also have a reliable schedule -I know when to expect naptimes, mealtimes, and playtimes

-it's quite possible that three car seats won't fit in our car

-I like having two boys- this could be it- and I could be completely satisfied

-I'm also not sure what I'd do with a girl, if we did have a girl, but then again, I'm still not sure what I'd do with three boys... I may never have a clean house or food in the refrigerator if that were to happen

I will probably think of more that I should have added to these lists... and maybe I will inform you of those thoughts later on. For now I still don't know where God will take our family, if he will add to it, or if this really is it. But I am finally allowing myself the option to consider it being okay to want another one. This all may sound crazy and backwards and incredibly indecisive, but that's me. I rarely think about anything for a only a fleeting moment... and this could be something that changes the rest of my life.

Let me know how you decided... or give me some ideas on when you know if your family is complete...

The Misfit

This morning I was feeling confident, proud even. After a month of sweating it out in my living room a pair of pre-baby pants gracefully slipped over my hips. I even buttoned them with ease! Later on in the day, we decided to make an outing to Old Navy. They were having a One Day Wonder sale on polo shirts for $5 (I thought they'd be great for Martin to wear to work, but they had no pocket, and aparently this is very important to him... so we didn't actually buy any polos) I wasn't really planning on buying anything, but while I was browsing the clearance racks a few things practically jumped into my basket.
Now, if you are like most women, you avoid the dressing room at all cost. It looks good on the hanger and that is the size you wore last time you bought something, so it should fit, right? This is a terrible mistake, however we all know what is going to happen in the fitting room. The things we wanted to fit somehow look like a completely different garment than we imagined, and the size we hoped to be, well... is still a dream in the making.
I decided to face the fitting room today since I did have the advantage of a husband to help out with the boys. I found this great pair of jeans that they wanted practically nothing for. Of course the jeans were one size smaller than the pants I was wearing. I took them anyway and with brave optimism I stepped behind the curtain . Now it was just me and the jeans. Silently I began chanting, begging, pleading, "please fit, please fit, please fit!" I got one leg in up to my thigh- it was already looking questionable. I begged some more as I squeezed the second leg in, and then the jumping, shaking, and, wiggling began. Taking a deep breath, I sucked in everything I could and fastened the button victoriously. If getting in to the jeans truly was the goal, I would have been a champion, but unfortunately I needed to look good in them too and my reflection wouldn't lie. I kept trying different angles, telling myself that they could look good on me. The girl in the mirror set me straight with, "Stop fooling yourself, you won't even be able to sit down! Just face it, you may never wear this size comfortably again!"
She was right. I removed the too-tight jeans, and slipped back into my own pants. I gave myself a second look. They weren't so bad. I could button them without "stuff" hanging over the waistline.
I hate fitting rooms, but as you can see, it's really all my own fault. We all do it- hoping something is what it isn't, hoping something will make us feel what it can't possibly, and setting expectations too high for ourselves. If there was a fitting room for life I'd probably still pick the wrong jeans to try on... and then I'd realize I look just fine in what I already have.

The Long Way Home

We live about twenty minutes out of town, at least the town where I prefer to do most of my outings. That gives me two options, the freeway, or the long back, country road. Most of the time I take the freeway to wherever we are going, the grocery store, church, grandma’s house. But I like to take the long way home.
Today, after church, I grabbed my favorite white mocha freeze at Dutch Bros, and headed home on the long country road. My two boys were babbling and giggling with each other in the backseat, Elijah stretching his arm out attempting to place a sticker on his brother’s face. They love each other so much! I simply smiled to myself in the rear view mirror ready to enjoy the next twenty minutes.
There is something freeing about driving out in the open where you can see outstretched plains reaching to far away purple mountains topped with snow. We pass cows and horses, even goats roaming in their very own pasture, just as God intended. It is then that I feel, just for a moment, that everything is right and as it should be. I roll the window down and let the breeze fluster my hair a little. Then a voice from the backseat says, “I want my window down too, mommy!” “All right, just a little,” I say. Elijah tells me how many horses were in the meadow out his window. I smile with pride, wonder, and amazement – this boy is growing up too quickly.
A few minutes later, near the half-way mark of getting home, the chatting, giggling and babbling ceases. I look behind me to see two zonked out boys, heads loose- faces angelic. The vault of my heart snaps a picture, so I can remember this moment forever.

The next ten minutes of my drive are just for me. I finish sipping my perfect drink, and think about my life. My struggles, my victories, and thoughts of the future flutter through my mind with new hope in these few minutes of perfect peace. The sun is peeking through the clouds resplendently.

Crying in Closets

Every day I am faced with the realization of how ridiculous my life is. The abnormality of my schedule is really starting to take it's toll on me. Today I found myself locked in the darkness of my closet just to get some peace, take some deep breaths and yes, cry a little. It's not that my life is so bad. In fact I have a very blessed life and everything that I need is supplied for me more often than not. I'm just tired of not seeing my husband on a regular basis, and I know I'm not the only one and I shouldn't complain... I hate being a whiner. But here is what my week looks like:
If you didn't already know, Martin, my hubby, works the night shift. He gets up at 8;30pm Sunday through Thursday and comes home around 7am. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, he goes to morning classes. On those days he makes it home for a late lunch and then it's off to sleep at 2pm. Tuesdays and Thursdays are sometimes spent going somewhere together for the morning. Of course he have to plan our outings around two young boys as well so that is often a challenge too. This week however, I didn't get to spend this morning with him, and I won't get Thursday either because he's working on a computer consulting job. Which I am thrilled and proud and excited for him, because he's beginning a dream- this is what he wants to be doing, but I also feel a little resentment... guilty resentment, but it's there nonetheless. Those hours, those few morning hours are supposed to be mine.

I don't want to feel this way, like the other half of my team is missing because I know he's working so hard to do what he can for our family. It would be so much easier to justify my feelings if he didn't care, if he wasn't the most wonderful husband in the world, and the best most loving daddy.
Before he started this night shift position, we did everything together. I never went anywhere alone, and if I did it was never with the boys in tow. I felt incapable. We always did things as a family even if it was just running to the store to stock up on toilet paper. We'd make it fun because we were out doing it together. Maybe we'd stop for a coffee on the way and have a good chat about something new.
I miss the way things used to be. I miss casually watching a rented movie together in our living room. We never have two consecutive hours together. We tried watching a movie in segments before he went to work one week, but that was like torture. It took us four nights to see the entire movie, and it's just not the same when you know your husband is going to walk out the door in half an hour. You can't just relax. You know the bed you sleep in will be cold and empty, and once he leaves you'll finish the bowl of popcorn or ice cream or m&ms all by yourself. And every skitter the cat makes, or bark out the window will make you jump, because your alone. And the worst part is, every night is the same. It's not like he's just gone for a fishing trip with his brother for the weekend, it's night after night after night.
Oh yeah and did I mention we don't get to spend weekends together either? nope, he's got to stay on his schedule so it doesn't mes up his sleep pattern. So if we want a date night or if we want to do anything... we really have to plan it. Occasionally he'll sleep Friday morning so that we can go out Friday night, but nothing can be spontaneous. And we are always working against time.
So today I went into the closet. It wasn't my first time. I turned out the light, closed the door wishing that it would all go away... go back to the way it used to be. I knew it was pointless, but I'm in a tunnel- a BIG, LONG tunnel and I can't see the light shining at the other end. People tell me it will get better, and that there is a light somewhere out there. I believe you... I've told people this exact same thing, but the person who's in the dark doesn't want to hear that, they want to hear that's it's okay. It's okay to feel this way... like you can't go on and you want to give up. I do want to give up- every day I meet that moment and I have to face it. Sometimes i push through, I surprise myself by being strong. Other days I cry in the closet where my kids can't see or hear me, and I tell myself it's okay.

My Favorite (mostly healthy) Snacks...

Here are some of My favorite snacks and foods I have recently become very attached too. The above is a picture of a snack/trail mix that I just can't get enough of. One of my favorite things in it are the dried cherries; it also has raisins, yogurt raisins, peanut butter chips, chocolate chips, almonds, peanuts, dried fruit, soy nuts, and probably a few other things! It is yummy! I mix a few things from the bulk health food section of fred meyer. Hope you enjoy the rest of my fav. healthy snacks!

Wheat thins are the perfect snack when paired with string cheese! Mmm... I usually get the reduced fat kind, but the hubby forgot when he picked these up. This is a daily snack for me!

When I found this specific brand of chai in this liquid form that you store in the refrigerator- it changed my life! I drink it hot in the morning, pretty much every morning- mixed with milk. Then for a super awesome twist I pour this magical drink into silicone ice cube trays and freeze. Sometimes in the afternoon or evenings when my boys are asleep, I make myself a special blended chai by processing the chai ice cubes in a cup of milk with my hand mixer. It is SO good. My favorite drink ever! It may even be better than coffee! maybe.

I first tried this soup at my mom's house. And honestly I'm not a big soup fan, but this is GOOD! My favorite way to have it is with actual chunks of roasted red pepper mixed in and topped with Parmesan cheese. I also love the easy store container and that I can heat one bowl portions at a time.

These are the best fruit bars ever! You can find them at Target and they are 100% fruit and have very few calories. (yet they hit the sweet craving too)! They are perfectly paired with raw almonds (as you can see in the next picture- don't you just want to eat that snack right now?) or great cut up and put in your morning cereal. I love having a few stored in my purse for me and my boys when we are on the go.

There are other flavors of course, but this pomegranate one is my favorite!

Let me know what some of your favorite snacks are and try some of mine. I like to try new things... things that I might not have ever thought of before or seen. Hope you will like some of my favorites!